Mistrusting
by Luckie D
Summary: When John and Fin get a call about a rape victim, John comes face to face with his old lover from Baltimore. Can he help her recover and find the person who almost killed her? JM/OFC. Please, R and R.
1. Chapter 1

**3/7/09-So I have this nag to go through my older fics and fix them, mostly this one. I must be insane, right?**

Chapter 1: Could it be...?

Pulling at the cuffs above her head, she tried desperately to free herself from her situation, and the pain. Open wounds throbbed with every movement and caused her body to tremble to a point it became impossible to stand the pain. Opening her mouth to scream, all she could hear and feel was a gurgling sound that escape her mouth, coughing just enough for a small trickle of blood to drip from the corner of her mouth. The whining of a dog in pain drew her attention and she tried hard to focus on a wet nose touching her fingers, which were cuffed above her head.

Heavily slipping back into unconsciousness, she could hear a door being opened, the person dropping items and screamed. "Call an ambulance!!"

------------------------------------

"Got a call about seven this morning. A woman, mid to late thirties , single, came in very bad shape. She was stripped, raped multiple times, deep gashes on eighty percent of her body and her throat slashed." The nurse told the two detectives, while leading them to the victim's room, "I'm surprised she lasted this long before being found."

"Did you get a name?" Asked a gruff African American detective.

"Not yet, but we did get these," She held up a clear evidence bag, "and her dog is at the veterinarian's. He had been badly stabbed as well. The victim did have a gun holster with a few possessions. When she was found, she was slipping in and out, but she came in unconscious. The first twenty-four hours are very critical." She replied as she handed another detective the clear bag.

Pushing his tinted glasses up his nose, he looked over the items that were presented to him; a watch, bloody gun holster, and a ring that looked very familiar. "It can't be..." He whispered, pulling it out with a gloved hand. Running a thumb over the two stones in the center of it, his breathing hitched and his own blood pressure rose with fear. "No...it can't be her."

"Munch? What is it man?" His partner asked as they neared the victim's room in intensive care, taking the clear bag from his trembling hand and carefully placed the ring back in, before John dropped it.

"It's just...I think I know who the victim is. I need to see her if I'm allowed to." He said, glancing at the nurse, who nodded, and slowly turned the door knob, not knowing what he would find. Opening it slowly, he saw a woman laying in the bed and his heart started to ache. Her arms and neck had thick bandages wrapped around the wounds, an oxygen mask over her mouth and nose, a few tubes in between some bandages to drain from possible infections, and a heart monitor bleeping slowly. Moving his eyes to look at the heart monitor, he could clearly see it was going slower then normal, telling him she was struggling to hang. He reached down and lightly grasped her right hand, feeling her cold skin in his grasp and gently ran his thumb over the bandage on her wrist.

"Oh, my God. It's Maria." He whispered, feeling her faint pulse under his hand. He couldn't believe that the woman he loved almost 5 years ago laid in front of him, cling to life, "Her name's Maria Frank, a detective from Boston."

The nurse looked at him before looking down at the unconscious woman. "Are you positive it's her?"

"Yes. You said that she was found with a dog as well. Did they get it's name?" He asked, not looking up.

"They did find tags on him. I forget his full name, but it does start with an A."

_Could it be Alex? _He thought as looked back up at the nurse and his partner. "I met her five years ago, when she was temporarily transferred to Baltimore for a year. She left earlier then required and I never heard from her again."

Fin could see his partner hurting now. Looking at the nurse, as she wrote her name, he asked, "You did a rape kit, correct?"

She nodded, looking at the chart. "Yes, there was semen present and, due to the multiple times she was raped, there's a considerable amount of damage to her vaginal area. The person who did this had handcuffed her hands above her head. Her wrists were torn open from struggling against the metal, which has already been taken for evidence. She had been found at a motel right outside the city."

"A motel?" John said, looking confused. _What the hell was she doing there? _"You said that she has deep wounds all over. Where else are they located?"

"She has them on her chest, breasts, stomach, sides, genitals-he really wanted her to suffer. We think that it was a pocket knife, which has not been found. When he had cut her throat, he missed her jugular veins. She did loose a large amount of blood, but, if he had nicked a vein, just slightly, it would have killed her."

John felt like he was going to be sick. Reaching into his pocket, he pulled out a card. "When she starts waking up or anything changes in her stability, please call me."

The nurse nodded as they left the room. John sneaking one last look at her before turning the corner. _I'll be back. Hang on, sweetie._


	2. Chapter 2

**Gah! Made a mistake on the first chapter. When he said he didn't hear from her since, they really did, but only once. Imma dork. **

Chapter 2: Information?

Fin looked at his partner, still confused. "Munch, you knew her from five years ago?" He asked as they left the hospital, heading to the car.

"Yes, she and I had a pretty...well...we fell in love two months after we first met. She had to return to Boston when former victims were being targeted and murdered. She didn't want to go back and I didn't want her to leave, but she had to do what was right and only heard from her once." He sighed as he climbed into the car. "We should have not fallen in love, but we did and we kept it professional. Only in private did we get close. He paused to collect his thoughts before continuing, "What has me confused is, did her coming here have something to do with that case?" He finished, feeling as if he couldn't protect her, even though he had no clue she was in the city.

------------------

Returning to the station house, John and Fin started reviewing what they knew to their other fellow detectives. John held up a few crime scene photos, feeling his stomach rebel as he looked at the blood on the motel room floor. His eyes then moved to pictures taken of Maria at the hospital, before she was stitched up, her neck wound showing it had started healing. Exhaling a breath and swallowing, he taped the pictures on the board, showing them to the other detectives. "We have no idea if she knows her attacker or even who this man is. Once we get word that she has woken up, we'll work with her. The bastard did a number on her and she's really struggling to hang on at the moment." He turned and looked at them. "With the state of her injuries, she would have not lasted long if they had not found her when they did."

"What are her chances as of now?" Asked Olivia Benson, referring to the picture of her bruised and cut up face.

"They will know in twenty-four hours if she will survive. The nurse has a card in case anything changes in her stabilization." Fin spoke up, glancing at John who was staring at her battered face again. He opened his mouth again to speak. "CSU finished with the motel room and didn't find anything suspicious fingerprints. A dog was also found hiding under the bed here" he pointed to a spot under the bed, where blood had pooled, "deep cuts on him. There are signs that he fought back as well, since there are defense wounds in the inside of his mouth."

"We have something else, people." Their captain, Cragen, came out of his office, looking frustrated, "Got a call from the hospital. They forgot to mention that was a C-section scar on her lower abdomen. She had a baby and it may be out there somewhere." John paled a little, and clenched his jaw.

"They didn't find any sign of a child here." Fin spoke up, looking worried and confused at the same time.

"The perp could have taken the child," Elliot said, shoving his hands into his pockets, "Use it as a hostage somewhere. We see that sometimes and did they say how old the scar is?"

Cragon nodded. "At least five to six years old. So, a fellow detective is now hanging on for dear life and we need to get cracking. Just because she's from a different state, doesn't mean we go soft. Someone wants her to suffer and we will find his ass. Liv and Elliot. Go to forensics. They should have something new. John and Fin, see if you can get a hold of friends or something. Get a hold of her unit in Boston. Don't tell them what happened, just try and see if she had been more stressed before now. And see if you can find anything about a baby."

Staring at her profile, John felt lost, confused and tired the more he learned about the situation. He couldn't get the thought of a child, _her child, _being in danger. Sitting and typing in information, he came across a phone number to her captain. Not knowing what he was going to say to him, he dialed the number, hoping that something good would come out of this.

"Captain McKern speaking. Boston SVU." A voice said over the line.

"Afternoon, this is detective John Munch of the New York SVU. Do you know a Maria Frank?"

John could hear him shift in his seat. "Yes, I do. What can I help you with, Detective?"

"I'm just wanting to know if she was under a lot of stress lately or if anyone wanted to harm her in any way?" _Why do I feel that was a dumb question?_

He heard a small chuckle on the other end. "She works with many suspects who threaten to hurt or even kill her. It comes with the job, detective Munch. I'm sure you've had your daily threats." The captain's heavy Boston accent did show some concern. "She had been under a large amount of stress from the last few years, really. We had a big case that just didn't seem to have any light at the end. I told her to get some air a few days ago. I haven't heard from her since. Is she alright?"

"She's just fine. Thank you, sir." Hanging up, he felt terrible lying to her captain. _I hope that she's alright, _he prayed as he looked at the other contacts. Taking a deep breath, he picked up the phone and placed another call.

Fin, meanwhile, was going through what CSU had found. Every bit of detail had to be checked. Several hours into the early morning, Fin found something that did stand out. "Munch, I think I found something here, man."

Downing his third cup of cold coffee, John stood and looked at the file Fin held out to him. A partial footprint could be barely seen as it was etched in a pool of blood. "It looks like the perp had bent down. See how the toe part is pointing in the direction of the bed? I think he was looking under the bed at the dog. He must have bent down after he cut her throat, to see if he could finish of the animal." Fin said, as John held up the picture to the light. He sighed heavily thinking of what the perp had done with those shoes. "And what are the chances he threw those shoes away?" He asked, looking down at his partner as Fin's phone rang.

"Tutuola." He listened as the person on the other end spoke. John watched, hoping that Fin would show some sign on his face. "Thank you. We'll be right over." Hanging up, he stood and grabbed his coat. "That was the vet's. Get this; they pulled human flesh from between the dog's teeth while they were stitching him up."

_Good dog,_ John thought as they headed to the car.


	3. Chapter 3

**Maria and Ace my own creation, nothing else is mine. Just for me to play with.**

Chapter 3: Evidence, anyone?

Arriving at the Vet Clinic, they were greeted by a vet tech who told them of the dog's condition. "He's very lucky. He took a few stabs to the shoulders, head, and chest. We just got him out of surgery after six hours of fixing him up. When we went to check his mouth, we saw human flesh in between some teeth. Took a few careful tugs, but we were able to get it all out," He held up a clear container and handed it to Fin, "From the tags we found on him, he's a K-9 officer. He is in the best of care here. Would you like to see him?"

Nodding, they were led to the back, where other animals were recovering from surgeries. Looking around, John thought that he would see that happy black German Shepherd, but instead they met a black and tan rottweiler. "This is Ace in the Hole. Call name is Ace. Badge number is 346829. He is going to fully recover from his injuries, just going to have to slow down on working, but he'll be able to take down suspects in a few months or so."

Bending down, John reached into the recovering cage and stroked his sleeping muzzle. _Did Alex retire?_, he thought as the large head lifted and he came face to face with large brown eyes and a confused, tired look. He expected the cop dog to growl, but Ace just lowered his head into John's hand. "Get better, boy. Maria needs you."

The dog's eyes moved up to see John and he let out a small sigh, as if trying to agree with him. John's eyes traveled over the dog's body and he could see the stitches that held him together. A stitch went from his left ear to above his right eye. Most of his entire front of his body was shaved and an IV needle was in him front left leg. As he continued to do a visible look over of the dog, his cell phone went off. Reaching inside his pocket, he answered it and kept his voice low. "Munch." He listened for a few moments before his eyes brightened up a bit. This is good news. "Great. I'll be right over."

Standing, he turned to Fin. "Maria is showing signs of waking up. Can you drop me off at that hospital and you get that to Forensics? I'll call if anything happens." Giving on last gentle pat to Ace, they headed to the hospital.

Heading up the few floors, John walked to the intensive care section and slowly opened the door to her room and peeked in. The nurse was standing there, checking her heart monitor before looking over and seeing him standing there. "Come on in. and have a seat. She's trying to wake up for the past half hour, but nothing more then trying to move her arms. But it's painful each time, since She pulls on the stitches every time she moves. I wish I could give her something for that, but if I give her any more morphine, she could have heart failure." The nurse finished writing down her vitals and started for the door as John grabbed a chair to pull next to the bed. "I'll leave you alone with her. Let me know if anything happens."

John pulled the chair next to her and lightly grabbed her fingers in him strong hand. He watched as her face muscles moved, her eyebrows moved to a frowning position. "Please, Maria. You can do it. Just wake up. I'm right here." He pleaded softly, rubbing his thumb over her fingers.

Hours past and still nothing. He could only tell when she would give up when her pulse would slow down to it's normal rate. Resting his head on the bed, near her's, John had no idea that he had fallen asleep until a familiar hand shook him awake.

"Hey. If you wanted to spend the night, we would have brought your sleeping bag." Fin quietly smirked, taking a seat at another chair on the other side of Maria. "How's she doing?"

"Nothing new. Still waiting for her to wake up." John looked back at her when he felt the muscles in her hand move. She was trying once again to wake up as the heart monitor bleeps steadily became faster. A small sigh escaped her lungs and her fingers gripped his, hard. "Please, you can do it, Maria, it's me sweetheart. Please, open your eyes for me." Both men stood up and watched as she struggled and then her face went slack. Bowing his head, John thought that she gave up again until he heard Fin say his name. Looking at Fin, he saw him nod to her, mouthing "look".

Looking down at her, his brown eyes met her green ones and he stopped breathing. He watched as her eyes filled with tears and resist the urge to hold her, a risk that could harm her more. He watched as her eyes moved to Fin, who was also standing over her, and slight fear showed into her eyes. "It's ok. I'm a friend of John's." Fin whispered quietly, trying to get her to relax a little.

"Fin, can you give us a moment?" John asked, not taking his eyes off of her as she looked back at him. As Fin left, John fell to his knees, unable to say anything to her. Despite her pain, she lifted her hand and touched the side of his face. Trying to hold back his tears, John finally found his voice to talk to her. "Maria, it's going to okay, sweetie. You're safe in the hospital, in a secure room and no one is going to harm you now, baby," He watched as her eyes slowly scanned over him, highly believing she was wondering what he was doing in New York. "I retired from Baltimore a couple years back and I'm working here now."

Her facial features relaxed, either from the effort of waking up or knowing that he was here. Either way, he felt watched as she settled down more into the bed she was in, but her grasp on his hand never weakening.

"Bet you'll be wondering if I had married anyone after you left, yes? Well...a few times but I just got divorced again." He exhaled and he shifted closer to the bed, watching as she tried to use her other hand to reach out in attempts to touch him. With his free hand, he took a gentle hold of her fingers, a sad smile and knew he had to ask her. "Do you remember what happened to you?" She looked over at him and could see the stitches on her forehead in the reflection of his dark glasses. Swallowing heavily, she nodded.

Bowing his head, he asked that one question. "Maria, sweetie, do you know who did this to you?" She closed her eyes, trying not to allow tears to seep through. Seeing her trying to control her crying, he brought his face closer to hers and stroked her hairline. "Please, just tell me. You know who did this to you, don't you?" Through her shudders and choking sobs, she nodded.

"It's ok, sweetheart, I'll get him. I promise you, Maria, I will." He whispered, touching his forehead to her temple. Hearing the door open, John stood and saw the nurse and Fin enter. John's hold of her hand had not been released and she wouldn't let him.

"How long has she been awake?" She asked softly as she checked her vitals and monitors.

"Only 15 minutes. She won't be able to talk for a while, right?"

"Correct. Due to the oxygen mask and her neck injury. Her larynx has been damaged a little. But when everything heals, her voice should go right back to normal. She's going to have a pretty impressive scar there once it's fully heal though."

Feeling his anger rising at the bastard who did this to her, John looked back at her, feeling her grip on his hand loosening. Her eyes were still staring at him, but they were starting to droop. Kneeling down, John made a silent promise to find the guy. "I'll be back, I promise Maria. I'll be back tomorrow." Seeing her nod before she closed her eyes, he gave her fingers a small squeeze before leaving with Fin.

As he headed out the door, he turned, remembering something. "When she wakes up, tell her that Ace is going to be just fine for me."

"I will." The nurse replied softly, as she adjusted the morphine intake.

--------------------

Hanging up his cellphone, Fin turned to John, looking a little concerned. "That was Cragen. He wants to see you when we get back."

_It's because I know the victim. That's what,_ He thought bitterly as he climbed into the car.


	4. Chapter 4

**Maria and Ace are own creation.  
**

Chapter 4- Hope?

"You wanted to see me, sir?" John's salt and pepper head popped into Cragen's office, seeing the captain at his desk. Leaning back in his chair, Cragen motioned to a seat, wanting John to take a seat. "Yes, John. Please, sit." He waited until the door was shut and the tall detective sat down. "John, you are one of the best detectives that I have worked with. You do your cases very well and you take no prisoners when it comes to perps. Fin told me that you know the victim from your Homicide days. I'm not telling you to back off from being near and helping her, you are more then welcome to do that. The others can do the dirty work. She needs you more at the moment, but do not forget to do your job. Once she can communicate, get a statement. Be sure that Fin is there so we can get a verified statement. Even if she has to write it, be sure to get that statement."

John could only nod, being a little stunned that he was not tell him to back off.

"Good. Now, how's she doing?"

Shaking his head, he gave a soft reply. "Not good. Her injuries go from moderate to severe. She has a severe neck injury, so she can't talk for a while. She knows where she is, what happened and who did it to her."

"Great, that's ever worse. Well, while you were at the hospital, Fin did some more checks with her contacts. Four are useless and the other two said that she was under a lot of stress the past couple years."

_It must have been that case of the Boston Butcher, _he though to himself as he nodded to Cragen. Heading out the the bullpen, John joined the other detectives, who were going over what they knew so far. "Forensics took a closer look at the motel room and found no trace of any child there," Olivia said as she pointed to the scar on her lower abdomen, "Either she didn't have it with her or the perp did one hell of a clean up job."

"The DNA from the flesh found in the dog's teeth is human and it's male. No surprise there. Just called forensics and they are still doing a search for any matching suspects that are here is the city." Fin spoke up, hanging up his phone, looking a little down sided.

"What if the perp is not in the city anymore? What if he's not even in the system? There are a lot of unanswered questions here." John protested, feeling like he was giving up on her and he couldn't understand why he felt like that.

"Look, John, we've done all that we could for today. Maybe if we get some sleep and get some rest, we can start fresh in the morning." Elliot pipped up as he grabbed his coat, pulling it on. As everyone looked at each other, debating over what to do next, John already had an idea of what he was going to do. And it did not involve sleep. Sighing, Fin stood and shrugged his leather jacket on while Olivia and Elliot headed out the door.

"Hey," Fin knocked a fist on John's desk, getting his attention."Want me to drop you off at your place?"

"No," He shook his head as he reached for his hat and coat. "I need to get to the hospital and just be with her. Keep her company, talk to her, give her support."

"Alright, I'll drop you off there. But first, let's get some food into you. Otherwise, your lady friend won't be able to see you. Gonna have to put a bell around that neck of yours."

An hour later, small paper bag in hand, John made his way to that room again. Looking through the window that showed into her room, she looked so helpless lying there, hooked up to many machines. Fighting to keep his tears from falling, he opened the door and carefully walked over to the bed. Sitting in the chair, he reached out and took her cold hand in his. "I'm here again. I heard that you were deeply troubled the last couple of years. I'm guessing that it was the case that called you back to Boston, right? I still have that picture you gave me those years ago." He reached into his wallet and pulled out the folded picture, swallowing hard. "I always wondered how you and Alex were doing," He looked back up at her, feeling the tears coming, "I guess I got my answer." He choked out the last words as the tears fell. Laying his head on her pillow, he ran his fingers through her hair, praying that she would wake up again. Listening to the heart monitor, John drifted off.

-----------------------

_What is that I'm feeling? Please, God, just let me wake up again, and don't let me go yet. Please, let this pressure on my hand subside and let me see John again.  
_

With the strength she could muster, Maria jerked her hand from John's hold, letting out a pained gasp. John jerked awake to see her head moving slowly from side to side, gasps and moans escaping her mask covered mouth. Seeing her head turn to him, he saw her open her eyes, allowing her to focus on him. "Maria? It's me." He reached out and gently stroked the side of her face. She closed her eyes at the contact, happy to see him with her. "Don't go back to sleep yet. I'm gonna grab the nurse."

As John took off out the door, Maria looked up at the ceiling, trying to count all the little holes. Feeling something smooth under her hand, however, she picked up the item and looked at it. It was the picture that she gave him the day before she left Baltimore to head back to Boston. It was crinkled in odd places and a little faded from being looked at constantly, but it was in great shape other wise._ I'm so sorry, Alex. I should have helped you more,_ she thought. As she continued to stare at it, she didn't notice that she started crying or that John had returned with the nurse. Looking over, Maria watched as the nurse neared, wanting to check her vitals. Realized that John was not next to her, she looked a little past the nurse and saw him standing there, waiting for the nurse to finish. But she didn't want him stand there as she reached a hand out, trying to get him closer.

"I'm right here, Maria. I'm not going anywhere." He whispered, as she lowered her hand in defeat. He waited until the nurse was done before taking his spot in the chair.

"I think she should be able to write a little for right now." The nurse said, as she handed Maria a marker and white board. "Just use your wrist bandage to wipe it clean. Those will be changed later on, alright?" She softly told Maria as she gave a slightly stiff nod.

After the nurse left the room, Maria wrote a shaky first sentence, and trying to make it legible for him to read. _"I missed you."_

Smiling a little, John took a hold of her free hand. "I missed you, too. What are you doing here in New York?"

_"Hiding"_

A confused and concerned expression took over his face. "Hiding? Why would you be hiding?"

_"We were in serious danger. Could not stay there."  
_

John could feel his blood pressure rising and a ache creeping into his heart. He was getting something, and he didn't even think about getting her statement now. _I should have Fin here, but we'll get a voice statement later, _he thought as he opened his mouth again. "Who were you hiding from?"

Her chin started to quiver as she wrote two words. _"I can't."_

_Damn_. _She's too afraid_, he thought as he leaned forward, gently wiping her tears away. "Ok, I'll stop. What happened to Alex? Did you retire him?"

She shook her head and closed her eyes, fighting the tears. Opening them, she wrote a shaky reply. _"He died"_

"When?"

_"Perp escaped prison and had weapon stolen from officer. Shot him while holding Alex held him down, before we could cuff him. Passed away at vet's."  
_

"He got killed on the job?" John couldn't believe that the strong, powerful K-9 he knew was gone from this earth. "Oh, sweetie, I'm so sorry about him," He gently her cheek as she let out a shudder, a sign she was fighting her emotions," Ace is your new partner, huh? He looks like a great partner."

She gave a small nod before he felt like he should ask about the scar, her C-section scar. "Maria, the doctor noticed a C-section scar that is around five or six years old. Do you want to tell me about it?" He could see her struggle with that question, but could also tell she was not reacting as if the child had been kidnapped.

He sat there a few minutes, waiting patiently for see what she would write. He finally watched as she lifted the marker up and started writing.

_"He was my son."_

"He was? What do you mean?"

_"He passed away a few years ago. Became very ill and didn't make it."_

He felt his heart ache seeing her struggle with her words. "Who was the father?"

Maria's green eyes shot over to him, fear clouded them. John couldn't quite understand why she was scared, unless... "Is your attacker the father?"

She shook her head once and reached for his hand and wrote one word.

_"You"_

John couldn't believe what he was seeing.


	5. Chapter 5

**Maria and Ace are own creation.**

Chapter 5: The Truth.

John could only stare at that one word and had a flashback to one night. Their last night before she had to leave. _God, we were both drunk that night and I didn't use protection. Now I remember. _

Closing his eyes, he leaned forward and pressed his forehead to hers. "I'm so sorry. If I had known, I could have helped you both. You were afraid to tell me that day Kay called after Gee was shot, weren't you?" He could feel her nod against him and placed a hand behind his neck. Looking down, he saw her writing something down. _"Come back tomorrow? Go home. Get some rest."_

"I will and I'll come by first thing in the morning. My captain gave me permission to visit you all the time, as long as it doesn't get in the way of finding the guy." Placing a kiss to her uninjured temple, he watched as she started drifting off and fell asleep. Putting her marker and board on the side table, he pulled her covers over her chest before leaving for one restless night.

----------------------------

Unable to sleep and having tossed and turned all night, John took a taxi to the hospital early the next morning, calling Cragon at the same time. "I should be coming in late. I don't want to push her too hard until she can talk and take a recording of her statement."

"Alright, John. I'll let everyone else know what you're doing. We're not going to drop her case just because we have no statement. They've been looking through some video recording taken at the motel around the time of the attack. We'll work with that until then."

"Thanks, cap. I'll let you know if anything changes." Making his way up the familiar floors, John opened the door to the critical floor. He figured that he would ask how her condition was before going in. A lot could happen overnight, especially in her condition. "Morning. Detective John Munch here to see Maria Frank. How's she doing?"

The nurse looked up and smiled, recognizing him. "She's doing very well. She did make a few attempts to speak during the night, but we had to stop her," The nurse walked with him to her room, "If she had spoken, she would have irritated the stitches in her neck and she's been working through the pain in her arms to write. She's a fighter, that's for sure." Opening to door, she showed him the chair that was beside her bed, where he had placed it hours before. "We figured that you would be back, so we didn't move it. It's only four in the morning, so she may wake up in a few hours-depends when the morphine wears off. If you need anything, just hit the blue button beside her bed."

Nodding his thanks, he took his place beside her bed, taking her hand in his. Her hand was starting to feel warm again. _Good, she's warming up. She's going to be alright. _Looking in her face, he could see that some color had returned to her face and the two stitches on her face were healing nicely. Moving his eyes to her neck, he could see that the bandages were recently changed. He could feel his heart lifting with happiness, knowing she was healing very well. "Good to see you're healing, sweetheart. When you wake up again, I'll be right here with you. I can't wait to hear your voice again since, in a weird way, your voice makes me feel high. A bad example, I know, but that's what it feels like." Giving out a heavy sigh, he laid his head close to her head, on her pillow. He closed his eyes, listening to her breath before he drifted off to sleep for the first time in 24 hours.

Several hours later, the feeling of someone grasping his fingers caused him to snap awake, and looked down to see her thumb rubbing his knuckles. Looking up, he could see the love in her green eyes as she let out a small groan. Smiling, he leaned closer, grasping her hand tightly in his. "Hey, sweetie. How you feeling?" He whispered as she grabbed the board and marker and wrote. _"Feeling more human. I want this mask off. How's Ace doing?"_

Chuckling softly, he replied to her. "Tell me about it, I want to be able to hear you again. Ace is being well taken care of by my partner, Fin, and he's healing very well." Maria exhaled a breath, knowing he was going to be just fine and had survived the attack. "You're looking a lot better, too, and some color is coming back into your face."

_"You want my statement?" _

Her shaky hand writing was hard for him to understand, but shook his head firmly once he understood. Pressing her hand to his lips and kissing the back of her fingers, he spoke softly to her. "Don't worry about that right now, we'll get to that when you're healthier. For now, let's talk about something else."

_"Like my son. Our son." _

Looking at the words, he could feel himself nodding to her, still not believing that he had a son.

_"What do you want to know?"_

"Well, what was his name?"

_"Scott."_

"That's a good name. It's a strong name. Why did you have to have a C-section?"

_"I was only 7 months along, but he was smaller then the average infant. He was in danger of dieing due to the cord was around his neck." _

"So he needed a strong name-he must have been a fighter, like you. What did he look like?"

_"Almost like you. All like you, really. My hair color, though."_

He could see a mental image of his younger self with dark brown hair. "He must have been beautiful. Handsome."

_"He was." _Tears streamed from her eyes as she finished writing those two words. John couldn't bare to see her in pain of remembering loosing her son. Reaching out, he wiped the tears from her face, trying to sooth her. "I'm right here and it's okay. You have every right to cry right now, sweetie. See, I'm crying for him." Tears gathered in his eyes, threatening to fall. His chin trembling a little as he closed his eyes, feeling a hand cup the side of his face.

"Don't..."

Snapping his eyes open, he couldn't believe that he heard her speak. It was rough and dry, but she spoke to him. "You just...you shouldn't do that. I don't want you to irritate the healing of your neck. Wait till you're a little better, please?"

She nodded, letting out a raged sigh. As if to say "When?"

"If you behave, very soon." He cracked a smile, seeing her roll her green eyes, lightly pinching his neck, causing him to tilt his head in the direction of the sensation and feeling her fingers stroking where she had pinched. _At least she trying to show some humor, _he thought. "I have the whole morning and afternoon free. I can find a newspaper and do a crossword puzzle. Something to give your mind an activity. What do you think?"

A smile appeared under her mask covered mouth, nodding her head carefully. "Ok, let me go find one real quick."


	6. Chapter 6

**Maria and Ace are own creation.  
**

Chapter 6: Speaking

After John found a usable newspaper, he told the questions to Maria and she would write down the answers, usually giving hard-to-read answers. She was becoming more alert the more he asked the questions and wrote the answers down. After a few hours, the nurse came in and put her bed in a slight sitting up position so she could see better.

As the week went by, the nurse was enjoying the fact that her patient had someone to keep her company, and she even stated that to John that as well. "You're the medicine she really needs." She complimented one evening as John headed out for the night, .

After two weeks went by, John found himself sitting at his desk, staring at Maria's case file. Very little helped with the case and his worse fear;the suspect probably left the state. Hearing his desk phone ringing, he thought for a brief moment that another woman had been attacked.

"John?" A rough, quiet voice came over the phone, a slight chuckle could be heard in the background.

John could feel himself sitting up a little straighter, "Maria?!" The other detectives looked up, listening and watching John on the phone, "Your oxygen mask is off and your speaking on your own," A smile spread over his tired face when she gave a small laugh, feeling his heart feeling light.

"John, I can hear your smile from here," She gave a small dry chuckle, "Coming down?"

Signaling to Cragen, John stood up with phone still at his ear, "I'm on my way and don't talk too much until I get there," Hanging up, he grabbed a tape recorder and motioned to Fin. "Bring Ace since she's going to want to see him and his badge will get him through the doors." As Fin snapped a leash on Ace, the dog worked his way onto his feet, still a little unsteady from his recovery.

"Come on, pup, someone is going to be happy to see you." Fin said quietly as he gave the leash a gentle tug.

----------------------

Opening the door to her room, John couldn't believe that she was sitting up and had a very visible smile on her face. Her neck was still wrapped up, but he could see that there were not that many layers, making her neck not look so bulky. When Fin entered, Maria's smile faltered a little until she saw Ace following behind Fin and seeing him peek around his legs, "Ace!" Her rough, dry voice cracked a little when she spoke, causing John to flinch a little and fearing it would cause some serious harm. _She's not that fragile, stupid, remember that._ The dog pulled his leash from Fin's hand and leaped onto the bed, being carefully of her legs. John couldn't help but smile as she wrapped her arms around his neck and laughed as the large animal licked her face.

When Ace had worked his excitement out, he laid down between her legs, and his large head cradled in her hands. Gently stroking his head, she looked up at John and Fin, tears falling down her face. "Thank you, both, I thought for sure that Ace was dead when he was stabbed in the head. He's still a rookie, but he showed mostly what he can do that night." He eyes moved over both men before looking back down at Ace, who was falling sleep in his master's arms.

Sharing a glance with Fin, John reached into his pocket and felt the small recorder and he knew that they had to get that statement-or at least, small parts of it. Sitting on the edge of the bed and placing his hand on her knee, he spoke to her carefully. "Sweetie, want to get that statement out of the way?"

Biting her bottom lip and tighten her grip of Ace, she gave a shaky nod, and not making eye contact with them. As John reached into his pocket to get the small recorder, Fin dragged a chair over, wanting to offer what comfort he could. As John hit the record button he asked the first question. "Why are you in New York?"

"I-We were sent here to hide, by orders of my captain. He feared we were in danger."

"Why did he think you were in danger?"

Maria faltered a little, fighting to keep the tears back. "My colleagues were...harmed."

John could see she was fighting her fear. "Did it have anything to do with the Boston Butcher?"

She gave a very stiff nod and a few tears fell. "Yes."

"Do you remember what happened?" John asked as Fin sat forward a little, trying to hear her over the rough cough she gave. Taking a deep breath, she started speaking very quietly, running her fingers gently on Ace's scarred head. "It was the third night I was here. I tried to find cheap motels so I couldn't be traced, so I could use cash. I did not want to be found at all. But that night...he broke through the lock and Ace tried to fight him off. I heard a pained cry as Ace bit down on his arm, but he had a pocket knife out. He stabbed Ace once in the shoulder before hitting me hard in the head. I tried to get up, but I couldn't. I could hear Ace yelping in pain and I knew he was being hurt."

"How come no one heard you or Ace?" John's face was etched in concern and disgusted that her cries were unheard.

"I don't know. I'm sure that someone would have heard Ace, but I guess the cries went unheard," She moved a hand to cover her mouth as she closed her eyes, flashes of the attack rushing through her mind and hearing the yelping pain from Ace was fresh in her ears.

John reached out and gently grasped her shoulder, feeling her tense under his touch, "It's okay, Maria, no one is going to hurt you now," He gently stroked her shoulder with him thumb as Fin took a gently hold of her hand. A few moments passed before she was able to gain composure and shuttered as she took a few deep breaths, one hand moved to grasp John's while her grip on Fin's became stronger. "Please, continue. What happened next?"

Taking a deep breath, she opened her eyes and blinked un-shed tears away from her eyes, "When I heard Ace going silent, I knew that he was either dead or giving up. Before I could anything to get away, he flipped me onto my back and covered my mouth with a cloth. He took my handcuffs, that I brought with me, and handcuffed my hands to the leg of the bed. He said that he was going to make me suffer like the others. I tried to pull my wrists from the cuffs, but he just laughed. He raped me once and used his knife to cut my skin, like hurting me turned him on." Maria stopped and closed her eyes, feeling the tears falling once again. John reached over to the little table and took a hold of the water mug, holding the straw to her lips.

"Come on. Just take a sip." Keeping her eyes closed, she took a careful, slow sip while Fin reached out and rubbed her shoulder gently. "What happened next?" Fin was trying to keep his soft side from completely showing.

"He raped me four more times, in between each one, he knifed me, laughing every time. Like he enjoyed watching me struggle against the gag and cuffs. When I couldn't fight anymore, he...he put the knife to my throat and said that...that he was the last thing I was going to see. He then slide the knife across my throat and left, kicking Ace as he left." The tears fell on top of Ace's head with no control. Her shuddered cry turned into a dry cough, irritating the healing of her neck.

John wrapped his arms around her, feeling completely helpless for the woman he cared about and made a stronger vow to take down the man who had harmed her. "It's ok, sweetie. No need to fear him anymore. We'll get him, sweetie, all of the us are out looking for him. We'll get him, I promise," He whispered into her hair before turning his head to look at Fin, "You have an extra recorder with you, right?"

Fin reached into his leather jacket and pulled it out. "Good, take that one and I'll get more information from her a little later and let the others hear that one. Cabot's gonna have to hear it as well."

As Fin nodded and left, John held Maria against him, and trying not to disturb the sleeping dog, who was peacefully snoring in Maria's arms. His fingers ghost through her hair, speaking to her softly, wishing he could take her pain away.

Pressing one finger to the recorder, he had to ask her one question that bugged him a little. "You know the name of your attacker, don't you?"

She nodded against his chest. "I can't tell you though. If he is caught by name, he'll know that I lived. He'll get me and finish me off, I know it."

Letting out a small sigh, he held her tighter to him, not wanting to let her think about that. "Okay, we'll get him another way. The motel had cameras, so we'll work with that and I'm going to talk to the doctor to have you discharged to me when you're ready, okay?"

He could feel her nod tiredly against his chest. Laying her back down on the bed, he left to find her doctor and nurse. Ace lifted a tired head in the direction John went before standing and curling up by her feet, keeping them warm for her. Maria stared at the ceiling, feeling her exhaustion kicking in. Giving a shuddered sigh, she closed her eyes, knowing the nightmares that waited for her.


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter 7: Recovering

After earning permission to take her under his care when released, he quietly entered the room and expected her to be fast asleep. Sitting in the some what comfortable chair next to her, he jumped slightly when a hand rested on his knee. Placing his hand on top of her's, he smiled where he knew she was and was not terribly surprised when she suggested something, "John, there's room to me." Gripping her fingers tightly in a reply, he made the effort to toe off his shoes before standing to remove his suit jacket.

Helping her first to move over a little, he gently slid next to her and making sure the blanket was covering her well enough for his liking. Hearing movement down near her feet, he saw a dark shadow move to the floor and give a small grunt as he laid down on the floor. Smiling to himself at Ace's way of giving more room, he draped an arm over her while his other arm when under her neck, holding her closer to him. But not to cause any harm to her healing self, which she was grateful for by how slowly he was pulling her close.

Exhaling a small breath, Maria pressed the side of her face against his chest, hearing his heartbeat as clear as daylight. "Thank you," she whispered as her eyes slipped closed and couldn't help but smile when she felt him kiss her uninjured temple. Gently stroking her shoulder with his fingers, he let a sad smile slip past when it hit him-he was holding her once again for their own comfort.

-----------------------

Four days later, John held the door open while gently bracing Maria as she entered his apartment slowly. Healthy enough to be released, but still sore and pained by the stitches really made it hard to stand, let alone walk. Lowering her down onto the couch, John excused himself to the kitchen, grabbing a tall glass of cold water and his phone, to call up the perfect shrink he knew to help her emotionally.

"Huang speaking."

"It Munch, I need to speak with you about a personal subject...of a friend."

"I heard about the female detective from Boston. Is that your friend you're talking about?"

"Yes, she's going to need someone to help her emotionally at the moment, well...not at this moment..."

Huang chuckled on the other end, "I understand, John. When would you like me to come over? Seeing her today will give her too much strain, since she just came out of the hospital," John heard rustling of papers on the other end. "How about in two days around noon?"

Looking over at Maria, who looked to be in a dazed situation from her medication, he closed his eyes and pinched the bridge of his nose, "That'll work, doc. I need to get her to bed now, she's close to crashing on the couch right now."

Okay, I'll be over in a few days and do me a favor?" He paused for a moment, gathering his thoughts, "If and when she does have nightmares, hold her close and sooth her to wake her up, then grab a damp towel to cool her down and a glass of water to relax her."

"Understood," shutting his phone and carefully sitting next to her, John handed her the glass as he rubbed her back in a calming manner. "How about laying down and getting some rest. You're looking a little loopy from the medication your on."

Leaning against him for support, Maria contemplated that offer with the hazy feeling that was going through her head. Closing her eyes and exhaling a deep breath, she nodded against his shoulder, "yeah, I need some rest."

Helping her into the bedroom, John sat her down on the bed, placed the glass on the night stand and placed a worn out comforter on the floor for Ace. Hearing a soft thud behind him, he looked over his shoulder to see Maria had laid down, her eyes drooping shut. Slowly untying her shoelaces and removing her sneakers from her feet, he draped a warm comforter over her tired body. Laying on the other side, he reached out and ran his fingers through her hair and gave a warm smile, "I missed you, Maria. Hang on for me baby," He whispered as her hand came out from under the blanket and took a firm hold of his hand.

-----------------

A few hours later, John jerked awake to find a warm figure huddling against him, trembling in her sleep. Bracing up on his elbow, John gently grasped her shoulder and whispered her name before her eyes snapped open, fear flooding her eyes. "What's the matter, sweetie, did you have a nightmare?" Taking a few shuttered breathes, she pressed her face to his chest and choked out a painful sob, making his heart arch for her pain, "oh, baby, I'm right here and no one is going to harm you now," John continued to sooth her, his hand on her back and slowly comforting her.

Holding her tightly, he sat up and slowly rocked side to side, "It's okay, Maria, it going to be all right," he whispered as she continued to cry against him, her hands grasping the front of his shirt and tears streaming down her already red cheeks. Moments passed before her sobs turned into small coughing fits and fighting regulate her breathing, warning John to take a hold of a glass of water and held it to her lips. Taking small sips between deep breaths, the shaking slowly subsided and all that was left was the sound of her sniffling. Placing his hand on her neck and feeling it was very warm, he laid her back down and retrieved a damp paper towel. Gently dabbing her neck and face, John softly spoke to her in a tone she found very soothing and the cold feeling on her skin added to the comfort.

Reaching out and taking a hold of his hand, she grasped it as tight as she could possibly do, giving him a silent thank you. Closing her eyes, but not letting go of his hand, she sighed in exhaustion and slowly drifted back to sleep. Once John was sure she was sound asleep, he carefully pulled his hand from her hold and slowly walked to the kitchen, his shoulders sagging from the weight he was feeling. Standing in the middle of his kitchen, he threw his head back and closed his eyes, "Why do I feel scared for her? I know I have to be strong for her," he spoke to no one is particular, "But I feel so damn weak to care for her!" He hissed out instead of raising his voice, fearing of waking her. Pacing around his kitchen, he squinted his eyes shut to keep the tears in and thought hard of what to do, to keep her comfortable while she continued to heal was his top priority.

Grabbing a bottle of beer from the refrigerator, John drank down a generous amount of it just because, it felt like something he should do at the moment. Hearing the sound of clicking nails on the tile floor, John looked down to see Ace staring at him. The big brown eyes stared at John's brown ones, as if trying to tell him what to do for her - what he could do to help her. "I'm trying, Ace, but...I'm scared for her," exhaling a long, slow breath at the frustration of not being able to think of anything he could do, John walked back to the bedroom and saw her sitting up, her eyes huge with fear and tears. _Oh, shit._

"I...you weren't here and...," she stopped when he wrapped his arms around her without a word, "I'm sorry if I'm not as strong...like I used to be..."

Mentally kicking himself for leaving her alone, John closed his eyes and held her closer to him. "No, don't say that, sweetie, it's not your fault. I'm sorry I left you alone and...I shouldn't have done that to you." John pulled back to look her in the face, his fingers under her to chin to get her to look at her, "I didn't leave the room because of you, Maria, I just needed to think and did I didn't want to disturb you."

Hiding her face from him, she pulled away and laid down with her back to him, "You should be spending more time with victims who are not cowards like me. I was a coward that day and still am, afraid that he'll be back, afraid I was not able to stop it from happening again, afraid of hurting anyone else."

"What do you mean 'hurting anyone else'?" John scooted closer to her and ran a hand over her arm, trying to reassure her, "what do you mean?"

"I know I hurt you that day I left Baltimore and don't deny it," she whispered as she curled into the blankets, "I left feeling like I wanted to run like a coward...and I did." Choking back her sobs, she buried her face into the blankets and clenched her jaw to fight the pain and fear.

Watching her struggle with and pushing him away in fear of hurting him, John wrapped his arms around her and pulled her to the point she was almost on his lap. Slowly rocking her from side to side, they both sat in silence for what felt like hours and only sounds was Maria's sniffling and John soothing her when she would release silent tears. Feeling her grip loosening, he continued to rock her comfortingly as he rested his cheek on top of her head. The longer they sat there, the more his thoughts wondered to when they first met and how he wished for anything to happen just for them to be together, feeling that pull to protect her from the smallest of paper cuts to a perp with his sights on her.

"Remember when we first met?" He started quietly, not wanting to startle her from the sudden sound of words, "I fell head over heels for you and wanted to follow you like a love sick puppy. I wanted to spend every moment with you from the second our hands touched from that hand shake and I really couldn't believe you were considered one of the best detectives - until I saw you working with that one suspect we had. You were like a lion stalking out your prey and striking at the right time to get that confession, getting the satisfaction of your catch along the way." Looking into her face, he could clearly see a faint smile on her lips as she remembered that day and it made him smile just to see he made her happy for that moment.

"I can't believe that I really forgot that day, with that man who assaulted and killed part of his family, but I can't forget that little girl," She lifted her eyes to look at him, "Little Diane is still up here though," she tapped her temple with her finger, "and I wonder how she's doing..."

"Last time I heard, she's doing great and getting good grades in school," he honestly said, "and she has not forgetting you nor Alex for what you had done to protect and defend her."

Closing her eyes at the exhaustion taking over, Maria mumbled out a few words that John could have swore was 'I love you,' but he didn't get his chance when he realized she had fallen asleep in his arms, her chest rising and falling with deep breaths. Laying her back down on the bed, John made sure she was comfortable and warm before taking a chance at possibly getting some sleep for a few hours before she woke again, due to her medication wearing off and the pain starting again.


	8. Chapter 8

Chapter 8: Getting Nowhere

_He was standing over her, his knife in her side and dug it in deeper each time she squirmed. He laughed heartily as she screamed from the pain. She couldn't find the strength to fight him as he wrapped his fingers around her throat and leaned down close to her face, licking her cheek with a greedy smile. He had complete control now and he could choose to end it or let her live. The tears stunk as they streamed from her eyes, shivering as he sat back up. She let out a more painful scream, shaking as he hit her again.  
_

"Maria? Wake up, sweetie. I'm right here." John's concerned voice woke her from the terrifying nightmare. Sitting up, she starting giving a dry cough, irritating her throat. Grabbing the glass from the coffee table, John held it to her lips, gently forcing her to swallow some.

Taking a deep sigh, she leaned against him and felt the tears fall onto his tie. "I'm sorry." Her voice was barely visible as John wrapped his arms around her, holding her to him tightly.

"You don't have to apologize. You have every right, sweetie. Now, don't speak and just listen to me. You can do this. Be strong for me. We will get him, I promise. Okay?"

He could feel her nod against him, her arm wrapping around him. Nuzzling the top of her head, he let out an exhausted sigh as she started to relax against him. Leaning back, he held her close as she drifted back to sleep.

------------------

Feeling his cell ringing in his pocket, John gently sat up and pulled it out, not wanting to wake her. "Munch." He quietly said as he pulled the covers over Maria's sleeping shoulders.

"It's Fin. We're expanding the search out for anyone who matches the DNA. We have nothing in this state. We're thinking he's from another state, at least we're hopin'. TARU are still working on cleaning up the security cameras at the motel. We have something of a tall man entering and leaving an area, but we can't get his face yet."

"Sounds like we might have something then. What are the chances that he might still be in New York?" Getting up from the bed and walking over to the window, John watched people carry on with their lives like nothing had ever happened.

"I don't know, man. But I'm not giving up just because he might not be here. How's she doing?"

Looking behind him, he pondered that question. She was not good, neither was she bad. "I don't know how to answer that question. She's neither good or bad - she's on the borderline. She's sleeping at the moment."

"Alright, good. She needs that. I'll call if anything else comes up."

Closing his phone, John wondered back into the bedroom, watching out for Ace who blended into the dark floor. Sitting back down, he could see that she had moved a little. Her hands were now wrapped around the pillow, like it was her raft. Bracing himself up on his elbow, he looked her right in the face, observing her carefully.

The two cuts on her face had healed and were barely visible to the naked eye. Her wrists, where the handcuffs had been, were still wrapped in fear that the surgery that was done to repair the damaged tendons and blood vessels could be damaged. The day before she had been released from the hospital, she had crumbled into an emotional train wreck and clawed at her bandages and had ripped open several stitches on her arms. A comfortable one layer bandage wrap was around her neck, offering protection while the last bit of healing finished.

Laying his head down on the pillow, he knew that she would wake up once the medication wore off. Once she did, he wanted to be sure he was right there in her reach for comfort.

-------------------

At the police station, Fin stood in front of the crime scene photos, trying to find if anything was missing. As his eyes moved over to the bloody gun holster, something snapped in his mind. _Dumb shit, why didn't I think of this earlier!? _"Where's her gun? Did anyone find a gun at the crime scene?"

Elliot and Olivia looked up, both looking like they had been slapped. "Where did that file go that had all of her information from Boston?" Elliot spoke up as he looked under papers that scattered over his desk.

Olivia held up the file from her desk. "I have it. She has a standard 38 mill. Glock, just like every cop. She actually has two, one that goes into a shoulder holster and one that goes on her side holster. Doesn't say anything about her spare." She looked over a few more papers from the file while Fin looked over the notes that John had made from the calls he had made.  
"There's nothing here that says anything about that one. No clue if she left it behind or the perp took it. There's nothing in the notes and I don't want to ask John to ask her."

"Let me take a turn at her captain," Elliot requested as he dialed the number, "get some fresh ears on this."

--------------------

Feeling pressure on his neck, John opened one tired eye to see Maria's terrified green ones staring at him. "John," A silent whisper escaped from her mouth, causing him to sit up a little straighter. She shifted back as he sat up and held the blanket close to her, her eyes still showing the fear she held.

"What's the matter, sweetheart? Did the pain come back?" He pulled her lightly to him, feeling her shuddered breathing on her neck.

"A little uncomfortable...a piece of clothing is irritating a stitching," reaching a weak hand to where it was irritating, she lifted her shirt to show the stitching on her hip.

Moving slowly to lower the band of her sweatpants, John could see the inch long injury was also tender to the touch and remembered what the nurse had said about this certain stab wound. _It's deeper and requires more healing time then the others. The stab went straight to the bone. _"Okay, what I'm going to do is remove the sweatpants and place some of the ointment on it," His dark eyes lifted to see an uncertain expression on her face. "It's going to make it less uncomfortable and it will give me a chance to remove your pain, sweetie."

Nodding and rested her head on his shoulder, her eyes watched his hands as they lowered the sweatpants carefully. Using one hand to lift her hips, he fully removed them from her body and laid her down on her back. Watching her for any sign of fear, he reached behind him for the ointment and spread a small amount of the stitched area. Feeling the muscles tense up under his fingers, John stopped at the sight of her clenching her jaw and eyes squeezed shut.

"I'm so sorry if I'm hurting you," Cleaning his fingers off with a tissue, John reached down and gently stroked where her jaw muscles were tense. "Talk to me, love. What would you like to make this all feel more comfortable?"

Moving to lay on her side, Maria looked up at him with a blank look. Taking a hold of his hand and grasping it in both hands, she finally spoke up. "I just want it all to stop and to forget all of this - but I can't. I always wondered if remembering it is better then forgetting it, but I wish I didn't remember any of this. I-I'm scared, John, and I wish I didn't feel this fear that I've been fighting to protect people that needed me."

"It's okay to be scared, but don't forget I'm here to protect you and I want to help you." John spoke quietly, "Don't go where I can't follow." Pulling his hand away from her grasp, he wrapped his arms around her and held her tightly to his chest.

Feeling the fear leaving in the secure hold, Maria pushed herself closer to him as much as possible until she could hear every rhythm of his heart beat. "Can I ask one thing?"

"Sure."

"I'm tired of cold, soft food," she cracked a small smile at hearing vibrations of John chuckling, "and can I have warm food for once?"

Smiling at her request, John released his hold and allowed her to pull away. "Okay, I'll bend the rules a little, but it's going to be warm scrambled eggs." Looking through his drawers for loose and comfortable house pants, John helped her into a pair and carefully helped her to sit on the couch. Working at a steady pace at the stove, John made enough eggs for both of them and sat next to her. Watching her eating in small bites and her face lightening up, he reached out stroke the side of her face.

Her green eyes moved to look at him, Maria gave a small smile for the first since leaving the hospital and leaned into his touch. "Thanks for the eggs," she reached up and placed her hand over his, "Thank you so much." Watching John wrap an arm around her shoulders, Maria rested her head on his shoulder and her plate rested in her lap.

Taking her fork into his hand, John scooped up a little bit of egg and held up for her lips. "C'mon, open up, sweetie," he teased her lips until she opened her mouth and took the fork in. Feeling relieved she was finally eating since leaving the hospital, John smiled down at her as he slowly fed her until her plate was empty. Placing the plates in sink and rising them off, John looked over and saw Maria out cold on the couch. _Oh, Maria. Wish I had been there to stop it from happen, baby. _Grabbing a blanket and placing her head on his lap, he drapped it comfortably over her to keep her warm as he started to drift back to sleep.


	9. Chapter 9

Chapter 9: Hanging on

A day later...

George Huang sat in a chair across from a tense Maria, her eyes darting from looking at him to John, who was leaning against the kitchen counter. For the first five minutes, Huang observed her carefully at how she tugged at her shirt sleeves and her nervous glances to the older man who was standing away from the meeting between her and Huang. Folding his hands and leaning on his knees, George drew her attention to him and, keeping his voice low, he started talking to her. "Maria, my name is George Huang. I am here to help you recover and to help in your attacker."

Maria's nervous eyes scanned over the Asian man in front of her and thought over what he had said. One part of her wanted to not believe him and hide in the dark corners of John's closet. The other part of her wanted to believe and trust him with what he was saying about helping her. Taking a deep breath and letting it out slowly, she sat back on the couch and started to slowly relax. Huang's showed a smile once she felt relaxed enough to look at him without shying away.

"Okay, I'm going to ask a few questions that have nothing to do with your case. Is that okay that I'm going to do that?" Maria gave a stiff nod, but didn't look away. John's shoulders relaxed for the first time since Huang came in. _You can do this, baby. Just answer his questions and he'll leave you alone._

"How was your first night since leaving the hospital?" George kept his voice low so he wouldn't startle her.

She gave a small shrug and nodded her head at the same time, silently telling him it was an alright night.

"Does having John with you make you feel more relaxed and calm?"

Turning her head to look at John, who was giving her a smile, she showed a small smile in return and nodded her head.

"Did he help you with that nightmare you had?" Her eyes flashed with fear and she turned her head to look at John. Huang reached forward and placed a hand on her knee to get her attention back. Flinching from the contact, Maria curled her legs under her now tense body and watched Huang wearily. Once she felt save enough, she nodded her head to answer his question.

Seeing her reaction, Huang had a basic idea of what her nightmare had been about. He wanted to get some information, but just from her reaction, he had to move slow. "Was your nightmare _him_?"

Maria had shut down and was done talking. She curled up in the corner of the couch and looked pleadingly over at John for it to stop. It had only been twenty minutes since Huang had arrived and he knew she had enough for one day.

Grabbing Huang's attention, he walked them both into the hallway where she would not be able to hear them. "What's her prognosis at this point?"

"It's going to take a while, but she'll be able to fully recover from her trauma and, possibly, be able to work in SVU again - if that's what she may do." George exhaled a deep breath and looked seriously at John. "I would love to talk with her more later on - maybe for a good number of years if she wants - but it's going to be a long process and I think I'll stop for today."

"She'll be able to work SVU again, right?"

Huang nodded and glanced over to see her resting her head against the back of the couch. "Yeah, she will be and if she wants to. I'm expecting a huge amount of PTSD to pop up in the coming days or even a week if something happens that causes her to flash back to her rape. When she does, call me and I'll come help. She won't get violent, but she'll cave in, hide in the closest corner and wish for it to stop. Also, she's nervous and fearful of mostly all people that are around her, except for you because she knows you. But don't push her too hard or the trust she holds of you may falter."

John nodded at this information, an aching feeling clenching his heart. Turning his head to look at her, he watched as her eyes scanned over to where they were standing and stared at him with a blank stare. "She's a tough woman that I know for sure, but when she does have a breakdown, what should I do before you come over?"

"Hold her close, keep her warm, and talk to her until I come over. When I do, I'll slip her a mild sedation that will make her little loopy, but it will calm her down."

Letting out a deep sigh and pinching the bridge of his nose, John was starting to really take in the situation. "Okay, I understand and if anything happens, I'll call you."

"Absolutely," Huang shook his hand as he headed out the door.

Once the door was closed and locked, John sat down next to her and watched as she leaned against him. Keeping his voice low, he asked "What would you like to do? I can order Italian food and we can have lunch together, if you want."

"Real food?" She lifted her head from his shoulder and stared at him, "Am I still going to be required to eat soft foods?"

"Yes, but I think you can eat some Lasagna...," He left that in the air to see her reaction. For the past month, she had been required to eat only chicken soup, puddings, yogurt, and eggs. Each time to nurse showed up with soup and yogurt for her dinner, she would make a face of disgust and would refuse to eat. Several times, John would sit there, with a spoon in hand, and hand feed her until it was done. "What do you think of that? It's soft, yet delicious and better then soups and yogurt."

With what effort she could, Maria smiled and sat up a little more, "Just as long as yogurt is not involved, Italian is fine by me."

After John made the two orders and the food arrived, John placed down two plates, forks and knifes at the table while keeping one eye on Maria as she slowly moved to sit at the table. Once she sat down, John slipped her something besides the required water - a small glass of wine. She raised an eyebrow and eyed the red liquid he had placed down. "You know I'm not able to do anything physical for a while, right?"

"I know," John sat down across from her and placed a small glass of wine down for himself. "I'm pushing the doctor's orders and trying to give you something that _I _know relaxes you. I had asked Huang earlier, before he came over, and asked him if a small amount of wine would affect your medication and he said a small amount would not harm you. You don't have to drink all of that or at all, if you don't want to." Picking up his fork, we watches as she picked up a spoon, dipped it into the dark red liquid and sipped the small amount on the spoon. "What do you think?"

"It's been a long time since I've had good wine," she paused when she placed her spoon down and watched him carefully. "And I mean a really long time."

"How long?"

"Since I left Baltimore," Maria took a small bite in of her food, "almost became a full blown alcoholic the day Scott passed away." Her green eyes watched him over her glasses as he slowly lowered his fork from his mouth and his face showed concern. "Maybe I shouldn't have said that..."

"No, it's okay, Maria," he placed his fork down and gave her full attention. "Please, go on."

Swallowing a few times and letting out a heavy sigh, Maria placed her fork down and braced herself, "Things...terrible things were happening there and, in the midst of the insanity, Scott and I were all we had. Ace had been moved into a kennel at the K-9 facilities until he was really needed and I couldn't sleep at night because of what was going on. He and I would spend times staying up late and watching his Disney movies until we both fell asleep on the couch together. He...he loved watching those movies and he hated watching me cry when we came home from work, so he would walk to the shelf and say 'can we watch this mommy?' I don't know what I would have done if I didn't have him."

John's eyes scanned her as she used the back of her hand to wipe away a tear. "What happened?"

"Pneumonia," her eyes grew dark at that one word, "I don't know how it happened - it just came and I couldn't stop it. I was constantly needed at work, he needed me and I couldn't split myself into two people. I would have someone who was off the job to watch him and give him the medication, until he couldn't get up anymore and I took him to the hospital. They took x-rays, did tests, and it was pneumonia in advanced stages. Three days later, he was placed on a respirator in ICU and I never left that room - not even for work or when I got a call. I couldn't leave him in that state and I couldn't find the strength to even get up off that chair." Her voice became tight with emotion as she remembered the long nights and painful days, watching her - their - son struggle to live.

John reached across the table and took a firm hold of her hand, her head snapping up at the contact. When she didn't say anything, he squeezed her hand and said in a low voice, "When did he...?"

"A week later...he passed away a week later in my arms. I-It seemed peaceful because he was asleep that w-whole day and he j-just went." Maria clenched her jaw as she fought off the tears and her emotions - a fight she was loosing. Taking several deep breaths, she composed herself to a point she could speak clearly again, "I started drinking every day and I couldn't stop. I wanted to forget it even happened, that he passed away, but every time I went home...I was reminded he was gone and I was still here."

Moving his chair so he could sit next to her, John wrapped an arm around her and held her close. "What stopped you from drinking?" She raised her head and stared at him, her eyes red and clouded with grief. Picking up her fork and poked at her warm food before forking a small amount, "I never really did - until I ended up here." Eating the small amount slowly, she didn't even seem to be focusing on whatever was around. "Everything was crumbling in Boston and loosing him was the last straw."

"What do you mean everything was crumbling?"

She shook her head slowly, "I can't...I said too much anyway...," and she went silent. Sighing, John knew he pushed too hard and she started pulling away from him - one thing he feared since the day he met her back in Baltimore. He watched as she took small bites from her food, drank her water instead, and didn't even acknowledge him when he tucked a dark strand behind her ear.

Pulling his plate over to himself, John ate in silence beside her and kept glancing over in concern. When he watched a trail of tears fall down her face, he reached over and tried to wiped them away with his fingers, but she flinched away. Startled by her reaction, John pulled back and watched as she got up, heading to the direction of the bedroom. Mentally kicking himself, he packed up the food into the fridge and peeked in to see what she was doing.

She had kicked off her shoes, removed her pants and hid under the covers. He had pushed and she pulled away from him - mentally and physically. _Something_ had happened in Boston that had scared her to the point that she was not able to speak about it. The more he watched her laying there, the more the sounds of her crying became apparent. Moving to lay down next to her, John moved the blanket enough so he could see her face and his heart felt heavy. "I'm so sorry, Maria. I didn't mean to push you into talking," He apologized quietly as he wrapped his arms around her and held onto her close. "I didn't mean it and I'm so, so sorry, baby."

Shifting to get her arms around him better, Maria buried her face into his shoulder and released all the pain that she held deep inside. Smoothing his hands over her back to calm her, John pressed his lips to her forehead and held her until she had no more tears to shed.


	10. Chapter 10

Chapter 10: A suspect

One long month after Huang's first visit, Maria started to slowly show improvement, but rarely spoke about her rape to anyone. Cragen understood the gentle care that needed to be done to get her to open up, but Olivia had asked to take a try to get her to talk - she gave her _woman-to-woman _pep talk. Maria didn't even sneeze the entire time Liv sat in the room with her and it was beginning to bother both Liv and Elliot.

"Come on John! It's been almost three months since Maria was attacked! Maybe it was a disgruntled boyfriend or something and she doesn't want him to get in trouble! She's not even talking to me or Liv!" Elliot snapped out later that evening after Liv walked out of the interview room with a shake to the head.

John clenched his teeth and glared at Elliot, beyond angry at what he had said. "She doesn't trust any of you! There's no need to blame some stupid idea, that is highly not possible, on her. She only trusts me, haven't you noticed that yet?"

"I have noticed that, but she's a grown adult, not a child, and she needs to talk to us so she can open up better!" Elliot shot back and had to move away from where he was standing from the older man who was now looking for blood from that man.

"You shut you mouth, Stabler. You know nothing of what she had to deal with and demanding it out of her is not making this easier for any of us!" John pointed a threatening finger at the man, being held back by Fin. If Fin had not been doing that, Elliot would be hanging upside down by his toes.

"Elliot! My office, _now_!" Cragon snapped from the entrance of his office, demanding that he head detective get his ass in. As Elliot storm to Cragon's office, John looked up at Maria and saw her looking down at where the argument started. She was looking over the banister, listening to everything that was said and her face said everything. Seeing the blank expression on her face, John had one bitter thought, _I'm going to kill stabler!_

Walking up the stairs slowly, he watched her pull away from the banister and curl her legs under her body as she sat on the couch. Hearing a low growl from the other end of the room, John turned his head to see Ace sitting at attention to who ever came up the stairs. _The arguing must have put him up on his guard, _he thought to himself as Maria gave the dog the hand signal for quiet. "Listen, I'm so sorry for that. Elliot's just being an ass and, right now, Cragen is putting him in his place." He sat down beside her and, keeping his distance, reached over and grasped her cold hand.

Since he pushed her too hard that night, she had been cautious and only allowing him near when she wanted him to. "He's working SVU - he shouldn't have that attitude," She looked nervously over her shoulder at where she could hear Cragen - even behind the closed door. After several long minutes, Maria looked up and locked her eyes with John's, his dark eyes showing the love he held for her. Feeling him squeeze her hand in reassurance, she moved closer next to him and wrapped her free arm around his neck in a hug. "I'm sorry for pushing you away, John. I just...I didn't mean it."

Tucking a dark strand behind her ear, John tipped her head back so he could look at her better. "It's alright, Maria. You're scared and your afraid at being harmed again, that I can understand. I just want you to know that no matter what happens, I'll be right there to protect you."

"John!" Fin's voice sounded excited as he climbed the stairs, a decent smile breaking through his frown. Maria cringed and gripped John's arm firmly the closer he got. John held up a hand to signal him to stop where he was, nodding his head towards Maria. "We found something. We did a more advanced search and expanded out to other states and we found a match on the DNA to a detective in Massachusetts. And we fixed the security camera and we have a face to send out to the public, with a few calls coming in already. Liv and El are out to pick up one that fits everything."

Taking the file from Fin's hand and glancing at the photograph, John could feel her starting to shake in fear. She knew who her attacker was and had refused to name him in fear he would know she was alive - she was suppose to be dead. Angling the file so she would not be able to see it, he scanned down his file and stared at the name; Kevin Shultz.

_Why does that name sound so familiar? _John thought as he looked back at her, then back as Fin. "They're bringing him in now?"

"Yep, it's going to take a few hours until they get back, but we got him. Maria, think you can do the line up once they get him ready?"

Nodding, she said a quiet "yes."

"Cool. As soon as they get back with him, we'll do a line-up."

As Fin headed back down the stairs, Maria leaned back on the couch and could feel John lean close to her. "You can do this. Let me lock him up for good. I have helped you this far, now help me, please. I still care about you. I have shown that since day one." She turned her head to see how close his face was to hers. She could feel his warm breath on her, the morning coffee still on his breath.

Nodding, she spoke back just as softly. "I'll do anything to get this over with."

-------------------------------

Standing in front of the one-way mirror, she pressed her face into John's shoulder, knowing that he was going to be in there. John could feel that she was shaking against him and the line up hadn't even started.

"Maria, you ready to to this?" John's voice brought her to look up into his face and back to the room that no one was in yet. Taking a deep breath, she nodded to Cragon to let them in.

"Ok, let them in."

Maria closed her eyes, hearing a door being opened and people walking in. Opening her eyes slowing, she looked up and scanned the red-haired men that were in front of them, holding up numbers. He eyes settled onto one man. His dark eyes seemed to dig into her, causing chills to run up and down her spine. She let an involuntary shudder as she continued to look at him. Grabbing John's wrist, two words escaped her lips.

"Number four."


	11. Chapter 11

Chapter 11: Other victims are...?

Maria could feel her stomach rebel against her as she continued to look at him. She couldn't find the will to move her legs until John gently turned her, leading her out of the room. After several difficult swallows, John could see that she was going to be sick.

Quickly leading her to the nearest restroom, she bent over a toilet, revealing herself of the awful pain and nausea. John's hand gently rubbed her back and held her hair back, softly talking to her. After several dry heaves later, John continued to comfort her, wishing that he could take her pain away. "It's ok. You did great, sweetie. I'm really proud of you." Reaching forward to hit the flush switch, Maria leaned back on her heels, using John's legs as a support for her weight.

"I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to do that in front of you," Her voice was partially gone because of the burning in her throat and her scar was irritated. Reaching down, he pulled her to her feet and helped her to the sink. Cupping some water in her hand, she rinsed out her mouth as John wet a paper towel and placed it on the back of her neck, cheeks, and front of her neck.

"Don't be sorry. You have every right to do that - I would." He wrapped his arms around her, giving her a much needed hug. "I still love you, even if you do feel a little clammy."He smirked a little as he felt her chuckle against his chest.

"You're not helping with that comment, John." She mumbled softly, glad for this quiet moment alone.

Nuzzling her hair, John gave out a small sigh, feeling her relax against him. Her exhaustion from the day was kicking in. He could feel it. "How about we get you home. Sleep is just what you need. I'm sure that everyone else can do this without you around, ok? I'm sure that Ace would like to get out of Cragon's office as well."

"Good, I just want to sleep anyway. Maybe a long shower before that, though."

---------------------

John knocked before entering Cragon's office, seeing Cragon shaking "hands" with Ace. Chuckling to the dog, Cragon looked up to see John watching with a perplexed look on his face. "I'm teaching Ace how to shake. How's Maria doing?"

He shook his head as he bent down to rub Ace's back, looking at the healed scars on the rottweiler. "Well, considering she just became friends with the porcelain god, I just want to get her hoe so she can lie down."

"Go ahead. We take care of everything here."

" 'Kay. Thanks, Cap." Snapping his fingers, Ace followed him out the door and down to the car where Fin was waiting with Maria, who was sitting in the front seat, drifting in and out of sleep. As Fin drove them to John's place, he spoke up enough to not wake her. "Benson and Stabler are going to interrogate Kevin. If you want, I can call you and tell you whats going to happen and what he says."

"Thanks, Fin. See if you can play the good cop if you can. God knows that Elliot's going to go bad cop and Maria know more then what she's letting on. I'm going to and get more from her later today." John kept his voice very low as he spoke to Fin, glancing over at her every now and then to see she was deep in sleep.

Pulling up to the apartment building, John gently coaxed her out of the car, waved to Fin and led her up the steps. As she headed to the shower, John went to the kitchen with Ace following closely. "Ace, I wish you could tell me if Kevin has anymore victims." He looked down at the dog, who was eying the box of dog treats on the counter. John couldn't help but smile at his goofy demeanor. _He is so much different then Alex,_ he thought as he reached in and offered one to the sitting dog.

Grabbing a glass of water and her three medication bottles, John headed to the bedroom, seeing her sitting on the bed. She looked so scared. Her damp hair covered her face and she was staring at the floor, tears streaming out of her eyes.

"Sweetie, what's the matter?" He asked gently as he sat down beside her, giving her whatever comfort he could give with full hands. Sniffling a little, she reached over and took the items from his hands. "Just the usual shit, John. No big deal." She downed the pills and water in no time, feeling like she had to do something.

"This is not the _usual shit_, Mar. This is a big deal." He grasped her hand and felt her tense up at his touch. "Please, just talk to me. Just tell me." He watched as she clinched her jaw as she took deep breaths and let it out in a shutter sigh. Being a patient person, John waiting watched her with a careful eye.

"I... just wish I didn't fear this and just want it to stop," She mumbled between sobs as John kissed the top of her damp hair. He could feel her frustration. Many of the victims he worked with always wished that the pain would go away.

"Please, John. I wish you could take it all away."

"I wish I could do that as well. Wish I had the powers to help you with that fast." He whispered. "Maria, who else did Kevin hurt? He is the Boston Butcher, isn't he?"

He could feel her nod against his chest. "He did it all. We didn't notice until Stella was found murdered in her home." John couldn't believe what she just said. A fellow detective was murdered by him. Before he could ask anything else, she spoke again.

"He killed them all. David, Miles, Stella. All dead. Captain Mckern wanted me to hide. Get out of Boston and find a safe place to hide. I don't know how he found me. I tried so hard to get away, but he was too strong."

_That's how the victims were picked to be killed. The killer was a detective, _John thought as she held him more tightly as she remembered back. "He killed them all. Twelve families and three detectives. He just lost it. He felt like he had to stop their pain. I just don't understand why he had to rape and dismember them." She pushed herself to speak. She could feel sleep taking over her. John's grip on her did not change, even as he lowered her down onto the bed.

Feeling her forehead, she felt a little warm to him, concerning him just a little. Lifting her carefully, he removed her shirt to cool her down and see her scars that she kept hidden. He could clearly see the scars that were etched into her flesh. A few seemed to disappear into where her bra covered. Reaching out, he traced one scar that stood out more then the others, causing her to let out a small sigh. Sighing in sadness, he covered her with a sheet and patted the bed, allowing Ace to jump up and curl up by her feet. Laying down next to her, he loosely draped an arm over her, feeling her chest rise and fall.

"I'm here to take that pain. When you want me, I can take it all away. I still love you. I'll always be here. I promise, sweetie." He whispered as he nuzzled his face close to hers, feeling sleep taking over him.


	12. Chapter 12

Chapter 12: A confession?

The ringing of a cellphone woke Maria from her slumber, who had made herself comfortable against John. Reaching into his slacks pocket, she pulled it out and gently shook him awake. "John, you phone's ringing." She whispered as he opened his eyes and sat up carefully. Taking it from her hand, he answered it, knowing it was Fin. "Munch."

"Hey, man. Got some weird information from Kevin."

"Give it to me." He looked over at Maria, who was watching him carefully.

"Kevin knows that he killed all of the families and three detectives from Boston."

"Yep, I got all of that from Maria. She told me that twelve families and three of her fellow detectives were killed."

"Those detectives worked with her? Damn." Fin sighed into the phone as he leaned back in his office chair. "Well, here's the kicker, he did say was that what happened to her was consensual."

"That's bullshit!" Maria jumped as John snapped into the phone. Seeing her flinch and pull away from him, he reached out and pulled her to him, trying to calm her down. "What else can you tell me?"

"Other then the fact that he pleaded not guilty, we are going to trial. I hope Maria is ready to do this."

Letting out a frustrated sigh, he looked down at her. "I hope so as well."

As he hung up the phone, Maria took a hold of his hand and traced his knuckles with her fingers. "Doesn't sound like Kevin cooperated very well with them. He was always a difficult person. Even when he was my partner."

"He was your partner?"

"Yeah. David's partner retired right before I left for Baltimore, so McKern put him with Kevin when I left. Then, I was partnered with David after I got back as Kevin was let go." She leaned over and placed her head on his chest, hearing his heart beat. It sounded so comforting to her as John nuzzled the top of her head. He was so glad to have her near him.

"Who was killed first?" He asked carefully, knowing this was going to be painful.

"Miles. Remember when you called after Gee was shot? The newest victim that was killed was him. I'll never forget Stella's scream when we saw who it was." She fought to keep the tears back. _I can't get that image out of my head!_ She thought in frustration as John laid down, pulling her with him.

"So, I guess we're going to trial, right?" Her rough voice sounded so hopeless to him. Holding her closer to him and carefully replied to her. "I guess so. You can do it. I know you can." He held her close as they felt sleep take over them. Ace curled up beside them.

--------------------

The next morning, John sat at his desk, listening to the three detectives talk about what it was like talking to Kevin. Maria was sitting next to him and she didn't seem to be listening to any of them.

"He does have some serious issues. He knows what he did to all those people was wrong, but he doesn't care." Olivia said, sitting back in her chair and tossing a file on her desk.

"We even mentioned Maria's baby son and all he said was that he had no idea that Maria was a whore." Stabler scoffed as he poured a cup of coffee. "He had no idea that she had a child in the first place."

"Well, no. Of course he wouldn't. Scott was born after he left svu and Scott passed away before she was attacked. He probably thinks that she deserved what she got." Hearing a snapping sound beside him, he saw Maria holding a broken pen in her hand, grinding her teeth. _Oh, shit. Me and my big mouth, _he internally cussed at himself as he pulled her to her feet and took her upstairs. Sitting her down on the couch, John looked into her face to see tears forming. "I'm so sorry if I upset you. I didn't mean any of it, honest. I'm so sorry." He pulled her to his chest, kicking himself for his remarks.

"I have something to show you." Her dry voice was barely visible as she reached into her back pocket and pulled out her wallet. Reaching in, she pulled a picture out and handed to John. Getting a closer look at the picture, John could feel his breathing hitched. It was his son. _He does look like me, _he thought as he looked the picture over.

Maria was holding a little boy no older then two. His dark hair looked ruffled in the sun, showing that it was windy day. His eyes, ears and nose had the same features of John. His smile was a big grin, proving to John that he was happy. Maria looked so proud, holding her son in her arms. Her eyes did show exhaustion, however. There were dark circles under them and her eyes had a characteristic droop about them.

"Stella took that picture a month before Scott turned three. We were on the rooftop of the station house that day. Scott loved being up there. Either looking at the stars at night or looking down a people in the daylight." John could feel his throat tightening. "He's a beautiful child. You did a great job."

"Thanks. I wish you had seen him in person. He was so smart and very bright. I swear he would have found a controversy in the daycare center, if he had the chance."

Before John could reply to her, Cabot came up the stairs carrying some files in her grasp. John handed the picture back to Maria, feeling her tense up beside him. "What is it, Alex?" He stood, blocking Maria's view of her.

"Just got back from the DA's office and we're going to trial. No bail was given to Kevin which is a wonderful thing. Maria, can you do this?" Peeking around John, like a scared puppy, and looked at Cabot. Trying to keep eye contact with her, she gave a stiff nod and slide her hand within John's. John grasped her hand tightly and looked back up at Cabot. "Alex, you might have to prep her for the trial. She's going to need help with this, you know."

"Sure. That might be the best thing for her. The trial is next week, so I think we can do it a few days before. How's that sound, Maria?"

Looking up at John and then back at Cabot, Maria gave her another stiff nod.

"Good. We'll see you then." She gave her a small smile before heading back down the stairs. Kneeling down, John looked her straight in the face, a small smile played across his lips. "It's almost over. All this shit will be long behind us soon. " He pulled her into a hug, allowing her to comb her fingers through his salt and pepper hair. "I hops so. I just want to have you around me just because. And not because I need support."

"I know. I do, too." He pressed his lips to her temple. "I do love you. No matter what."


	13. Chapter 13

Chapter 13: The Trial

"I spent two hours prepping her. I believe she can do it. I just have to keep the suspect from her view. Does he know that she is still alive?" Cabot looked at three of the detectives outside of the court room.

"I don't think so. All we told him was that he was seen leaving a motel room after the crime happened." Benson spoke up, nodding in the direction to where Kevin and his lawyer stood. He was staring at them searching each detective for reasons to not like them.

"Where's John and Maria?" Asked Stabler as he straightened his tie, glaring at the suspect. Fin lowered his voice before speaking. "He's trying to calm her a little. They're in the room next to the court room. She was a little nervous this morning."

-------------------------

"Maria, you can do this. Just speak clearly and tell them the truth. Including the case in Boston. Tell them why you're here. Everything." John watched as she paced a little, pulling at her sleeves. The long sleeves covered the scars on her arms, but her neck injury would be visible to everyone.

"I think I can. I know I can. Ms. Cabot told me just to look at her or you. She's going to try to keep Kevin from my sight...but what if my voice starts to go out?" She looked up at him, eyes going a little wide.

"Alex said that if that happens, she'll ask for a fifteen minute break so your voice can come back." He placed his hands on her shoulders , pressing his lips to her forehead. "You'll do fine. I have complete faith in you."

Hearing the door open, they turned to see Fin stick his head in. "Ready? You're up first before Kevin. Cabot believes it'll work better for you."

Sighing, she glanced up at John before looking at Fin. "Let's just get this over with."

-----------------------

"Your honor. I'd like to bring forward our first witness." Cabot stood up, motioning to the doors beside the judge's seat.

"Fine. Bring in the first witness."

Biting the inside of her bottom lip, Maria walked through the door and took the seat next to the judge's desk, feeling Kevin's eyes on her. He could not believe she was still alive. John could see him shift uncomfortably in his seat, staring at her with his dark eyes. Maria's eyes kept shifting from John to Kevin, fear filling her eyes. Seeing her becoming more uncomfortable, Cabot moved to cover her sight of him.

After she was sworn in, Alex got down to business. "Ms. Frank, do you know the suspect?"

"Yes"

"What's his name?"

"Kevin Shultz"

"How do you know him?"

"He was my partner in Boston. He was an SVU detective."

"Why are you in New York city instead of Boston?"

"I was in danger. We had a very serious case on our hands that was out of control."

"And you knew that you had to protect yourself?"

"Yes. I knew that I was in serious danger from Kevin."

"Why?"

"Because he was a suspect in the killing of three other SVU detectives." A low whisper traveled through the the court room. The judge's eyes traveled over Kevin, who was frowning, to Maria who was pulling at her long sleeves again.

"Can you tell the court what happened that night you were attacked?"

Swallowing, she glanced at John, who gave a small nod, before looking back up at Alex. Taking a deep breath, she told them everything. From him entering, to Ace being harmed to her painful rape and torture. Throughout the testimony, John looked at the floor, trying not to show the pained emotions he was feeling. After ten difficult minutes, Maria had finished to the point that he could look up and look at her. Her eyes were on him and she looked very unsure at that moment. Cabot pulled her attention from him back to her once again.

"How has the recovery been?"

"It's...been very painful. I can't be alone at all. I don't trust anyone. I have terrible nightmares that paralyze me mentally. It's been extremely difficult."

"Thank you. No more questions, your honor." As Cabot sat back down, Kevin's lawyer looked over his notes before standing and looking at her. He had no intentions to keep Kevin from her view.

"How did you first suspect that Kevin was the killer?"

"No one else could breach the files of past cases unless they were a detective."

"But how did you know that it was him?"

"We checked on every cop that had access to those files. Every one of them past. He was the only one who could have done it."

"Did you have proof of that?"

"Yes. A partial fingerprint that was found on the locked files."

"How long have you known my client?"

Maria's face showed she was thinking. Her eyes moved up, working on her calculations. Anything to keep her distracted from Kevin. "I knew him from Boston, so about six years."

Not finding anything else to ask her, the lawyer sat down, looking defeated. Maria hopes that this was a good sign on her side. Cabot stood up and requested a new witness to be called forward. As Maria was motioned to leave and sit outside the room, she could her Cabot whisper to her. "You did great, Maria." She looked at the tall blond woman and gave her a nod.

As she sat outside the courtroom, she could hear Cabot asking the next witness questions and then move to asking Kevin. She could hear the muffled sounds of people speaking, but did not notice when John came out to join her. "I thought you were going to listen to what Kevin was going to say." Her voice was now a whisper from speaking for so long. John leaned in a little to hear her better.

"I would have, but I had an urge to shoot him when said that it was consensual." He let out a heavy sigh as she let out a groan. "Does he think I enjoyed the Hell he put me through? Not to mention the shit I have to deal with."

"I know. It's almost over, though. I have a good feeling about this."

Letting out a small cough, Maria took a long pull from a bottle of water he handed her, feeling her nerves lowering. "I hope so. If all goes well, he'll be moved to Boston for another trial for the other lives lost." She leaned over and placed her head against his shoulder, feeling him breathing. "Even if this is fixed and he's guilty, I'll still never get over what he did to me. To everyone. Why do I feel ashamed of my neck scar?"

"Because you feel like you couldn't protect yourself. All rape victims feel like they deserve it as they couldn't protect themselves. You're feeling the normal emotions. I'm not going to leave you if you're thinking that. I've helped you this far and I'll continue until you want to try by yourself." He placed a strong hand on her knee, feeling her relax under his touch. "Thanks, John. I don't know what I would do without you here with me."

Hearing a door open, they both looked up to see Cabot stick her head out. "You can come in now. All we are waiting for is the verdict." As they walked back into the room, Kevin looked back and smirked at Maria. Fear taking over, she took a tight hold of John's hand, moving closer to him as he glared at Kevin.

Sliding next to Fin, Maria heard him whisper something to her. "It's almost over. You did great, Maria. Never heard you sound so strong before."

Feeling a little braver, she gave him a small smile. "Thanks, Fin. I mean it."

Minutes passed before the jury came back out. Seeing the jury take their places, Maria sat up a little straighter and held her breath, hand gripping John's knee.

"Does the jury have their verdict?"

"We do, your honor."

"What is your verdict on the rape?"

"We find the defendant guilty."

Maria could feel John's hand cover hers and grasp her fingers, tight.

"And what is the verdict on the attempted murder?"

"We find him guilty."

The commotion that erupted the courtroom sounded like heaven to Maria's ears. John pulled her into a tight hug, a smile playing across his lips. Elliot, Olivia and Fin patted her on the back, all their hard work paid off.

Pulling herself from John's grasp, Maria shook Cabot's hand, thanking her with all the happiness she had.

As Kevin was led away by the court officers, his dark eyes shot over to where she was standing and his face went red. "You bitch! You should have died. You and that mutt!"

As he was dragged away, she could feel herself standing straighter then she had the past months. John wrapped his arms around her waist, feeling her taking a few deep breaths.


	14. Chapter 14

Chapter 14: Breakdown

"John, can I speak to you?" Cragen stood in the doorway of his office, stopping John, Maria and Fin from heading out the door. John was wanting to get her back home right after her case, but the look on Cragen's face told him different.

"Sure, Cap. Fin, can you take Maria to my place? I'll take a taxi back. Stay with her until I get back."

"Sure, Munch." Fin turned to Maria, seeing her give a small nod. John waited until the were out the door before looking back at Cragen. "What did you want to speak about, Cap?"

"I was just speaking to Maria's captain in Boston and he suggests that she be transferred here. I know you care about her and McKern thinks that she is better off here anyway. He's working on a new team of detectives and they know about what happened to her. She doesn't need that kind of publicity. What do you think?"

John's tired face brightened up with this new information. Instead of her returning to Boston, again, she could stay in the city - with him. "That would be wonderful, sir. But why don't you tell her?"

"Well, she needs to hear it from you. She loves you, John. You love her. She needs to hear it come from you instead of me or anyone else. McKern said that he will pay to have her stuff moved up here. Meaning, she's going to need her own place or she moves in with you."

"Moving her stuff in with me will make it cramped, but I'll ask her later tonight. Anything else?"

"Just one more thing. Kevin is being sent to Boston for his trial for the crimes he committed there. He might get the death sentence if everything goes well."

"That's wonderful. She's going to love to hear all of this. Goodnight, Don." Heading out of the station house, John flagged down a taxi and headed to his apartment.

Slowly opening the door to his place, John soon had a feeling something wasn't that right. "Fin?" Walking around a corner, he had to avoid bumping into him as Fin came down the hallway from where a coat closet was located. "What's the matter?"

Fin heavily sighed as he motioned John to follow him. "I was just about to call you - her PTSD seems to have kicked in and she's hiding in the closet right now." Using his hand to tell John to keep his voice down, he continued, "She became very nervous about something about five minutes ago and she disappeared into the closet soon after."

"Oh, Jesus," John muttered under his breath when Fin slowly pushed a few coats aside and showed where she was huddling. With her arms wrapped firmly around her knees, Maria's face was hidden from their view as she muttered something non understandable. "Call Huang and tell him to get over here fast," Munch whispered to Fin before kneeling down to look at her better.

Moving a few items out of the way and moving into the tight space, John slipped his hand into her cold one and watched her look at him over her glasses. Her stare gave him chills. "Hey, sweetie. What's the matter?" She continued to stare at him, but said nothing. "It's me, Maria. You can trust me, remember?"

"I don't want to go back," Her voice was low in tone, matching the look she gave him. Her fingers never returned the squeeze he gave her, but her stare wasn't threatening - it was pure fear. "I can't...go back there. I can't go back."

"Where can't you go back to?" He moved closer as if trying to get to that dark place she was about to run to. "What place, sweetheart?"

She lifted her head and he could see she was heading down a dark place. "I can't go back to the blood and tears. I can't go back to Boston where I'm not safe - it'll happen again and he'll kill me again. He'll kill everyone all over again and nothing can stop him."

"He didn't kill you, baby. I'm right here with you and he's never going to get you-"

"He did," Her voice rose from the rising stress. She pulled away from him and reached for something beside her. John reaction was to reach where her hand was going and find what she grabbing for - a knife.

John's heart dropped when he saw it and quickly removed it from her reach. He wasn't angry, but very scared and very concerned. "Oh, Maria...," he paused to look at her. "What were you going to do with this?"

Tears rolling down her cheeks, Maria curled herself into a ball in the corner of the dark space. "I...wanted protection. I-I'm so sorry, John."

Seeing movement outside the tight space, he motioned Huang to come closer as he pulled her close to him and calmed her. "Shh, it's not your fault, sweetie. You're not going back to Boston anyway - Cragen and McKern made sure of that." Through her tears, she looked up at him and didn't notice Huang kneeling down and uncap a syringe. "You are going to stay here in New York and with me, okay? Don't think things that this because I'm not going to let that stuff happen." Quickly glancing at George, he nodded to give her the shot while she was distracted.

"You mean...I'm going to stay with you?" Her green eyes watching him carefully as he nodded his head. Feeling a slight prick on her arm, she let out a small gasp and turned her head, locking her eyes on Huang.

"Easy, Maria...it's just me." He said slowly, as he pushed the solution into her system. Rubbing his thumb where the needle had injected, he stood up and out of the way in case she lashed out in fear. Standing where Fin was watching, George sighed at the hope it would kick in soon. "C'mon, work fast," he whispered as she rest her head against John's shoulder.

Slowly stroking her arm, John placed a small kiss on her forehead and said softly, "Yes, you are going to stay here with me and you're being permanently transferred to work here - if you want to. Just relax, babe, and don't worry about anything right now."

"But...," her eyes started drooping slightly from the sedation in her system and felt a pair of different hands helping her out of the tight corner. Falling to her knees, she felt Fin's arms pick her up and carry her into John's bedroom, placing her gently on the bed.

Once she was tucked in and the light was lowered, the three men sat at the table with the view of the bedroom in John's point of view. The door was wide open just in case he needed to rush to her side quickly. "I was starting to wonder when it was going to arise. I should have known this was going to happen soon."

"It's not your fault, John. With the stress of the trial and facing him down, the fear of going back to Boston seems to have drawn it out. Did she say anything to you that made any sense?" Huang watched him carefully as he leaned forward in his seat.

"She said something along the line of fearing he was going to kill her again...but I don't really understand that. I can understand the knife," he waved his hand to where the knife had been placed. "As she wants protection, she doesn't need it though."

"In her mind, she does. Now that the trial is over with and she has faced him, she's afraid that he's going to get out and he'll target her again. Maria's on high alert right now and is really close to hiding in her own mind and locking everything out." Huang took time to stare at his hands as he thought of what to say. "Don't let her do that, John. It's important to be there for her or she'll do something she's not aware of."

John nodded, feeling like it was the only thing he could do at that moment before looking at Fin. "Could you take Ace out while we discuss more?" Nodding with understanding, Fin gently nudged Ace out the door and left John with Huang. "I did tell her that she's not going back, as her former captain is allowing her to stay here, but...," He paused once again to gather his thoughts. "Do you, seriously, see her working at our SVU and will she require to be on more medication?"

"Yes and yes, with major work from me. Once I get a clear idea of what's going on with her, I'll give a prescription of medication to deal with her PTSD." George took a deep sigh as he shifted in his seat while John's eyes continued to stare at the large knife. "John, she was not going to hurt any of us with that knife. Like you said, she wanted protection."

"I know," John said softly as he gripped it with his long fingers and carried into the kitchen. "It just scares me to see her like this. She was doing so well with dealing with the shit that's been happening and I really thought she wasn't going to do that." He leaned against his kitchen counter and gave Huang a sad look behind his tinted glasses. "To be honest, I'm scared for her right now."

Nodding in understanding, Huang stood and slowly walked into the bedroom to check on her. Placing two fingers on the pulse in her neck, he checked his watch for a few moments before pulling away. Turning his head, he could see that John was watching from a distance to allow him to check her over. "All we can really do right now is to make sure she doesn't try to do anything that can put her life in danger. I'm not saying she will," He added quickly. "But it's something to watch carefully."

"I understand, also...," He paused as he didn't know how to describe what he was trying to say. "Can I pass something to you that is very personal?"

"Absolutely."

John motioned for him to step out the room and into the living room. "When...the time comes for her and I to rekindle our intimate relationship, what should I do in case she freaks out when we start to become passionate?"

"Take things slow for one thing and wait for her to say if she wants to have sex, John. If she doesn't want physical contact, don't force her, but if she wants a certain amount of contact, let her tell you what's comfortable and what isn't. Let her regain the trust you two had before her rape and she'll open up to you and will open up more to the thought of sexual contact. She knows you love her, but having any sexual contact right now is going to be tough for her."

"Okay," John agreed as Huang paused for a moment.

"When you both move to having that kind of contact and she tenses up, stop at that moment and don't continue unless she says so. If she doesn't want to continue, don't take in personally and try to support her. For the first few times of making love, let her be the boss and say what she finds is comfortable." Huang's eyes watched as John took in all he had said about how to help her. "I know you're a patient man, John. You work with people like her all the time and I know you can help her as long as she needs a boost."

Slowly walking back into the bedroom and sitting down next to her sedated body, John gently reached out and stroked her left cheek, glancing up at Huang. "I would never consider forcing her, George. I would rather see her recover from this and become more open on her own instead of moving at a fast pace and cause more trauma. Before her breakdown, she had opened up a little so I could have checked her healing in places she would not show to any other person. Would that be harmed now?"

"It depends how she's feeling when she wakes up and settles more. Give her some time, John, and she'll relax more." Hearing a door opening and closing, Huang turned to see Fin standing there with a very alert Ace beside him. turning back to look at John's troublesome face, he inhaled a slow breath. "Want me to stay for a few hours and make sure she's okay?"

John shook his head and said quietly, "If I need you, I'll call."

As quickly as he turned to leave, did he turn back around with a thought on his mind. "Also, would you mind if I suggest something to help her along?"

"Sure."

"It all depends with how you feel about doing this with her, but it's called _Yoni Massage. _I've offered it to some women, who have partners, who have been sexually abused. It basically involves massaging her body, helping her relax and, over time, it'll help her with sexual healing. If you both are interested in trying, let me know and I'll being over a book that I've used before. You're more then welcome to look it up on-line to get an idea of what it is."

"Okay. Thanks, Huang." Watching Huang give a nod and leave, Fin also gave a small wave as he prepared to leave. "See you in the morning?"

"If you can." Fin said as he picked up his coat and left with a small smile.

Once they were alone, John continued to give calming strokes as he watched her breath. Smiling when she unconsciously leaned his hand, his thoughts went back to what George had said about the massage. At that moment, he would have looked it up, but being close to her was more important.

--------------------------

By that morning, only Elliot and Olivia were really concerned when John nor Maria hadn't shown up. Staring at each other with concern, they both headed to Cragen's office and saw him on the phone."Right, okay. You wouldn't mind letting me know when he's done with her?"

Glancing up to see the two standing there, he motioned them to close the door and sit with one hand. Hanging up the phone, Cragen leaned forward in his seat and kept his voice down as he started speaking. "Maria had a breakdown last night and John caught her with a knife."

"Oh, no," Olivia sighed. "How bad was it?"

"Pretty bad. It was right after the trial when Fin took her home so I had a chance to speak to John. He told me she was saying something along the line of not wanting to go back to Boston as he would get out and kill her again."

"Again?" Elliot asked as he shifted in his seat and leaned forward. "What does she mean by that?"

Cragen shook his head. "Not sure yet, but John's thinking that she feels part of her died when she was raped and tortured - hence why she's not really herself around us. If he gets out, which he might not, he'll get a hold of her and kill her. Again. But, it's just a theory."

"How's she doing this morning?"

"A little out of it. Fin had called Huang right after John got home and gave her a shot to relax her. She may or may not remember what she said last night, but Huang's with her right now."

---------------------

Maria leaned forward on the dining table, her face hidden her hands. "I...don't remember what I did last night."

"It's alright, Maria," Huang folded his fingers together on his lap. "Don't force yourself to remember what happened. You didn't do anything that would have caused harm to anyone and you didn't harm yourself." His eyes darted over to see John leaned against the wall, arms crossed, before looking back at her. "Do you remember anything you said last night?"

"Bits and pieces, but not enough that makes sense to me." She sniffled a little as she turned to look at him and their eyes locked. "I didn't hurt anyone? Right?"

John's shoulders relaxed at the desperate look on her face and spoke softly to her. "You didn't, sweetie," he walked over and kneeled down beside her. "You wanted to protect yourself with that knife, but you didn't hurt anyone."

"What I'm going to suggest is to place you onto a low dosage of new medication to help you out and," he paused to be sure if he had their full attention, "I suggested a type of massage that, I believe, can help you. It does involve being fully unclothed with each other, but that's part of the recovery."

"It's what you had mentioned last night, right?" John moved a chair next to her and slipped into it.

"Correct. Yoni Massage is what it's called and I have suggested it to other couples when one has been suffering from certain abuse or who are just not able to understand each other well enough. It's an idea to go slow at first and not to push too hard on each other while becoming more relaxed with each other and to become more open together."

"Can I think about it?" Maria asked as she reached a hand down and linked her cold fingers with John's warm ones.

Huang gave a small smile while nodding at the same time. "Sure. When you feel more comfortable, Maria, let me know. Okay?" Standing and shaking her hand carefully, Huang gave John's shoulder a squeeze before heading out the door.

Once by themselves, John watched Maria carefully as she continued to sit there and stared at the table top. Giving her hand a small squeeze to get her to look at him, he leaned over and pulled her into a tight hug. Wrapping her free arm around his back and gripping firming, no words had to be spoken for what she was feeling at that moment. The firm hold she had around his back told him she was scared for what happened last night.

Feeling her sigh against him and moving to rest her cheek against his chest, John pulled away enough to see her eyes closed and a small smile on her lips. "Sweetie," her eyes opened slowly and looked at him, "you okay now?"

"Better, I guess," She opened her eyes and looked in his. "I just want to forget all this and just move on, I really do. I...," she paused and stood up, moving her arms so it looked like she was hugging herself. "I want to able to have you touch me without me thinking back to what had happened. You know what I mean?"

John gave a firm nod and understood fully what she meant. _She wants to be able to make love without freaking out. Oh, sweetheart. _"You know I'm not going to consider it unless you feel ready, right?" He waited until she nodded before continuing. "I had looked up what Huang has mentioned and I think it will work for you. But, it depends if you want to try, Maria."

"Hm," Her eyes stared into his before they shifted, staring at the floor. "When I feel comfortable, but for right now, I need to soak in the shower again."

Standing and walking to stand in front of her, he placed his hands on her shoulders and lightly massaged them. Tilting her head up to look at him, he could see the pain she still had in her green eyes and he felt his heart ache. Releasing a slow breath, John dipped his head down and brushed his lips against hers, feeling her hesitate for a brief second. Slowly pressing forward, Maria placed one hand on his chest and took a small fist full of his shirt.

Breaking the kiss, John smiled as she rested her cheek against his chest. "You all right?" She lifted her head and nodded slightly. "Are you sure you're all right?"

"I'm hanging on," She pulled away and worked her way to the bathroom. "I should go take that shower I said I was going to take." She could feel John's dark eyes watching her as she turned and flipped on the switch. As she shut the door, a hand stopping it startled Maria and watched as John's head peeked in. A smile broke the blank look on her face as she asked, "What would you like?"

Opening the door wider and stepping in, John reached out and took her hand. "Mind if I join? I promise to be gentle," He wished for her to say, yes, but he did ask for her permission.

Smile growing wider on her features, Maria nodded as she answered, "I know you're gentle." She raised a brow as a thought passed through her mind. "Is this your way of making me feel more comfortable or have you been craving to wash my hair?"

Reaching around her and turning on the water, John helped her out of her sweatshirt as he said, "A little bit of both, to tell you the truth. I'm surprised to see you smiling when I asked." Maria gave a small shrug as she reached out to help him out of his shirt. "What? Not going to explain that?"

"I was half hoping for you to ask to join me, that's all. Not like you haven't seen me without anything on before," Keeping their eyes on each other's, John reached behind her and carefully unhooked her bra, placing it in the hamper without breaking eye contact. "So," Maria started softly as she felt his hands move from her arms to her shoulders. "Who's going to get in first?"

"Being a gentleman," He stepped back and removed the rest of his clothing, "I'll test it out to see if it's the right temperature for you." Seeing her smile again, he reached a hand in and the pounding water and felt it to at a comfortable temperature. Turning his head back around to look at Maria, he surprised to see she had removed the rest of her clothing while he wasn't looking. "Ladies first?"

No sooner had they both stepped in did John pull her into a tight embrace, his lips against her temple as her hands moved up his sides. Inhaling his scent and closing her eyes, Maria rested her cheek against his chest and gave a small smile. "Thank you, John."

"You're very welcome, baby," He softly replied as he rested his chin on her head while her arms encircled him and she started to shiver slightly. "Are you cold? I can turn up the hot water for you."

Following his spin with her fingertips, she pressed a small kiss to his collar bone. "No, I'm just shaking because I'm happy to be in your arms." She lifted her head and looked into his dark eyes. "Just like this."

John moved his hand to caress her face as their faces slowly moved closer together, both of them being able to feel each other's breath. Feeling her inhale a deep breath to steady herself, John slowly ran his fingers through her hair as their lips brushed together for the first time since they said good bye a few years back. Taking a chance to brush his tongue along her bottom lips, Maria willingly allowed him to enter. Arms wrapped securely around each other, they deepened the kiss to the point John almost pressed her up against the shower wall. Gradually breaking the kiss and pressing their foreheads together, John gently nuzzled his nose against her's, both grinning.

"You have no _idea_ how long I've been wanting to kiss you like that," He continued to smile while Maria tipped her head back and kissed his jaw. "You do know that when you move back down here, you're going to need your own apartment, right?" He tilted his head down to look in her green eyes. "I can't have you live here all the time. We would break many _rules_ doing that."

"I know and we'll work on that," Something flashed in her eyes he understand. "For now, I'm going to live for just this and enjoy being in your arms." She reached a hand up to comb his water soaked hair from his eyes, feeling him lean into her touch. "I just want to be with you to take my pain away."

Lifting her chin up, John dipped his head and brushed his lips against her neck scar. Sighing into his touch, Maria chuckled lightly when his tongue ran across the scarred flesh. "How about that?"

"Okay, that helps too." She laughed softly before their lips connected again.

----------------------------

Two weeks later:

By the mid-afternoon, Cragen handed Maria back her holsters and two Glocks. "Everything is all set. Paperwork is done, your new badge is right here," he patted a yellow envelope, "along with Ace's. You have also passed your firing test and passed with flying colors." He smiled at her as he stood to shake her hand. "Welcome to the team, Detective Maria Frank."

Putting her guns into the respectable holsters, she took a hold of the two badges, reliving a flashback. She saw David's body laying in a pool of blood, eyes black and lifeless. _Why am I seeing that now?_, she thought as she snapped Ace's badge into his harness.

Sighing at that painful memory, she clipped her new badge on her belt, starting to feel like a detective again. Seeing John watching her, she flashed him a small smile, trying to cover her sadness from him. Too late. He saw that small flash of something depressing on her face. He had a strong feeling that she was remembering something painful.

While Elliot and Olivia were out finishing an old case, John pulled her aside, to where the vending machines were and grabbed for a few soda cans to cover up them standing there. "What's the matter? I could see that you were upset about something earlier." He handed her a can and noticed her hands were shaking.

Holding the can with both hands to steady herself, Maria glanced at him and saw his eyes reading her carefully. "Nothing. I...I just had a flashback to one of our crime scenes."

"How is that nothing?" He whispered, keeping a professional distance from her. "Which one?"

"My partner, David. He had been murdered in his own home, while his family was out for the night, and we were called there. No one told us it was a fellow detective, nothing less my partner, until we got there. Just...his eyes stared at me as if frozen in time and I could see the terror in those blank orbs, John." She placed the can down and ran her hands through her hair. "I just got my guns back and a new badge. I don't need this right now and..." She stopped and tried hard to compose herself. "I don't know anymore."

Taking a long sip from his can and watching her carefully through his transitions, John lowered his voice so only she could hear him say, "What some comfort for tonight? Nothing too frisky, but a little something to help you relax during this transition."

Inhaling a deep breath and letting it out through her nostrils slowly, Maria picked up her can and lightly clicked it with his. "Sure." She gave him a small smile before turning and walked away, knowing he was watching her walk off, her two securely placed Glocks finally giving him the impression she was a detective.


	15. Chapter 15

**Slight-ish warnings in this one, but nothing too graphic. Maria and Ace are my own creations, nothing else is mine.  
**

Chapter 15: Some comfort

Turning on the lights in his place, Maria fed and watered Ace, who was dancing around her legs. John sorted through his mail, tossing the usual junk into the shredder and tucking the important mail in his desk. Once Ace started on his dinner, Maria looked over at John, who had a sly smile on his face. As he walked over to her, she walked backwards to his room and kept going until the back on her knees hit the edge of the bed. His face inches from hers, John reached down and pulled her long sleeved shirt over her head, exposing the scars on her chest and stomach.

Dropping it to the floor, he brushed his lips gently to hers, placing his hands on her hips. Putting her hands on his chest, she proceeded to undo all of the buttons and remove his tie. Not separating their lip contact, he gently lowered her down on the bed, straddling her hips under him. A small gasp escaped her mouth and she pulled away when his fingers touched a more sensitive scar on her stomach.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to scare you." He whispered carefully to her, running his fingers gently through her hair.

Swallowing and opening her eyes, she looked up at him while trying to hide her fear. She knew that he would never harm her at all. "It's okay, John. That scar is more sensitive the others. You just shocked me when you touched it." She smiled up at him as he fingers at her belt loop, gradually undoing it and removing her slacks from her body. Locking their eyes together, John lifted her hips and slide her underwear off.

Laying on his side, John traced the scars with his finger tips, keeping eye contact with her the whole time. "What about your breasts?" He voice was a whisper as he traced a scar near her collar bone.

"Why don't you see for yourself," Her face showed the trust she had for him. Sitting her up a little, he unsnapped her bra and dropping it to the floor. When she laid completely down on her back, John's eyes took in the scars that etched her soft flesh. He could see roughly healed scars going through each nipple and could feel his emotions taking over again. He struggled to fight the tears and closed his eyes as she cupped the side of his face. "It's okay to cry, John. I will tell you though," his eyes moved to look into her's. "Just because my two friends here are scarred up, they are still very sensitive." She braced herself up by her elbows and leaned close to his ear while he closed his eyes again. "Just like they were before, John."

Opening his eyes, he looked to see her sly and seductive look on her face. Smiling warmly at her, he was proud to see that look on her face ones again. Placing a strong, soft hand over one breast, he brushed his lips to hers before slowly moving down to kiss all the scars carefully. His lips found the hidden ones under her breasts, feeling her hand on the back of his head. Reaching her stomach, she arched her back a little as his tongue traced the most sensitive one. Moving to her waist, he kept his eyes on her's as he nudged her thighs apart gently. "You trust me?"

"You know I do," she smiled as she reached down and ran her fingers through his hair. "What are you going to do?"

"I had talked with Huang about that massage and I'm just going to try just a little, love. Will you let me?" He sat up and ran his hand down the outside of her leg, allowing his hand to travel down to her ankle and back up. "It's not going to hurt at all, I promise."

Exhaling a slow breath, Maria nodded and watched as he reached into his side table and pulled out a towel and a bottle of lotion. Placing the small towel under her hips, he carefully bent her knees slightly and kept her legs apart. Leaning over her and giving her a deep kiss, John stood and removed the rest of his clothing before settling back down between her open legs. "Huang had told me about doing this part will help you feel more open and to relieve your stress." He kept his voice at a soft whisper, his hand on her stomach and his thumb caressing below her navel. "Breath deeply and allow any feelings you feel go. Okay?"

"Okay," Maria smiled down at him as he kissed the top of her knee, opening the lotion bottle and allowing it to slowly pour over his hands before pouring some over her area, hearing her intake a breath at the sudden coolness. Reassuring her with a gentle kiss to her stomach, John felt fingers go through his hair and he lifted his head so her fingers went under his chin. "Have I told you that I love you, John?"

Moving his head to kiss her palm, John sat back up, placed the lotion down and rubbed his hands together. "You have yet to say that this evening, but you said that this morning." Locking eye contact, he reached down and gently ran his fingers up and down the outside of her core, feeling her muscles tense and relax under his gentle touch. Glancing down for a brief moment to see what he was doing, his eyes shot back up to look at her before placing one hand on her stomach and readied his index finger on the other hand. "Keep breathing, baby. Remember...any emotions you feel, let them go."

I'm gonna keep breathing," Maria shot back as she stared at the ceiling, wondering what emotions she was going to feel through this. "I'm just a little nervous, John. That's all."

"It's all right to be nervous," John reassured as he moved to place a gentle kiss on her lips. "If you feel anything uncomfortable, let me know right away." Seeing her nod, he said softly, "here I go," to let her know he was starting. Slowly inserting his well-lotion right index finger into her, he licked his lips at the sound of her sharp intake of breath and hoped he was doing it just right for her. Finding what he was searching for, he moved his finger gently with a come here motion and watched as her mouth opened slightly, watching her starting to pant slightly.

"Easy, baby," he moved his right thumb over a small nub and gentle caressed it. Hearing a small moan, he lifted his head and watched as she squeezed her eyes shut, unable to stop a few tears from escaping. "Oh, sweetheart," He moved his left hand up and caressed her cheek, her eyes opening as she inhaled a sharp breath. "That's what I was talking about, babe. That's the bad stuff trying to leave your body." He quietly coaxed her to keep tearfully crying until she couldn't cry anymore.

Much to his amazement, he saw her grasp fistful of the bed sheet and released a sharp gasp. Eyes snapping shut at the sudden feeling of an electric pulse shooting up and down her spine, she could feel John remove his finger, thumb still over his target, and place his mouth completely over her's. Hand moving to the back of his neck, Maria kept him there until she needed air. Breaking the kiss and feeling John move to straddle her waist, they waited in silence until she felt ready to say, "_whoa_."

"That good, huh?" John smiled down at her, beyond amazed she had climaxed by his hands. "How are you feeling?"

"Did...did I just...?" She reached a hand up and slowly ran it up and down his bare chest.

Nodding, John couldn't hide his smile. "You sure did, sweetheart. I will say this now, I didn't expect you to do that." Leaning down and placing his hands on either side of her, John tenderly kissed her on the lips. "I'm going to guess you haven't had a release like that in a long time." John got up and grabbed for his robe and loosely tying it. "I'll be right back and don't think about getting up. I will return with a towel to clean you up."

Resting her head back down, Maria wiped her eyes with the back of her hand, quickly realizing she was starting to cry again. "Oh, not again."

"What's the matter?" John arrived back with a damp towel in his hands and smelling of hand soap.

"Just getting tearful again." She draped her arm over her eyes while John nudged her legs apart again, softly whistling to her. "I love it when you whistle, John." Maria commented as she peeked from under her arm.

"I know you do, Maria," he replied as he lifted her hips and removed the towel from under her, tossed both into the hamper and helped her under the covers. Removing his robe and slipping under the covers with her, John pulled her close, one arm under her neck and the other over her waist. "Are you comfortable?"

Cuddling closer and pressing her face against his neck, Maria gave a content sigh and whispered, "More then you would know." She reached a hand up and followed his jawline with her index finger, watching him close his eyes at the contact. "You know, I still loved you when I left, but I had to leave to do my job."

"I know you had to," He mumbled as his eyes slowly opened. "If you hadn't gone back, Kevin might just still be on the loose. I'm just glad I have you back with me." He gave a lazy smile as his eyes slipped shut again, drifting off into a deep sleep with Maria close behind.


	16. Chapter 16

Chapter 16: New place. New trust

A week later -

Maria walked through the front door of her new apartment and placed a box down onto her dining room table. Olivia walked in behind her and placed a plant on the counter and poured a small amount of water into it as it was looking a little dry. "I'm surprised your plants have lasted this long," She turned her head to see Maria taking a box from Elliot's arms so he could go back down and help with more unloading.

"I am, too." She placed the box on the floor and walked over to check over the plant. "I was surprised McKern had not sent me a note saying that a few had committed suicide."

Olivia smiled as she headed to the door to help out with the movers. "John should be back soon, just in case you're wondering!" She called back. "He and Fin are out finishing their case and once Geller is booked in, they'll be over."

Nodding her head and taking a chance to sit down in her familiar couch, she closed her eyes and just wished to sink into the comfort of her own furniture once again. Reaching a hand between the cushions, Maria felt a squeaky toy that must have been in there for months. Pulling it out, she chuckled to herself as she squeezed the hamburger toy, Ace's ears perking up at the sound of his toy squeaking.

As she tossed him the toy, she could hear people coming back up the stairs and was greeted by Fin carrying a box. "Hey! You got your guy?"

Placing it on top of another box, Fin exhaled a breath and readjusted his leather jacket. "The punk has an attitude. When we left him in the holding pen, he was still yelling racists remarks at us." He frowned and shook his head before turning back around and headed back down the stairs. "Oh!" He came back and stuck his head around the corner. "Munch is comin'. He's helping Elliot with the mattress and they are trying to get it positioned in the elevator."

"Now that is an image," Maria smirked. "I wonder which one is going to loose his temper first."

"Elliot's been saying a selective bunch of words when we arrived. He dropped a box and flipped out over you freakin' out."

"Eh, tell him not to worry about it," she said before she heard the sound of Elliot directing John of where to go with the mattress.

"Go to the right so I can go into that direction."

"Yeah, sure. That puts me close to the open banister and last thing I want to happen-"

"I get it, Munch!"

"Oh boy,"Maria pinched the bridge of her nose as they continued to bicker over what direction to turn until Fin cut into it and moved Elliot out of the way. Watching Fin coming through the doorway and John pushing it through. "Would you like me to get in on this?" Fin stood aside and offered her to take his spot. "Just keep pushing and I'll direct where to go, 'kay?"

"Got it," John made a thumbs up, sounded as exhausted as he looked when she peered around the mattress to see where he was pushing. Entering the bedroom and placing to carefully on the bed spring, he sat down and stretched himself over the comfortable softness. "I gotta say, Maria...last time I helped a woman move a mattress into her bedroom, she and I clicked badges together."

"Don't tell me she was a cop, John," She sighed, sitting down to run her fingers through his hair. "Please, please tell me she wasn't a cop."

"Sadly, she is," He grimaced. "She was the new room mate to the medical examiner I had dated for a short time. The guilt nearly killed me." He closed his eyes and gave a lazy smile at the feeling her fingers massaging his scalp. "And this is nice, too."

"I bet," Maria commented, nodding her head at Fin. Peering in for a small second to make sure everything was all right, he gave a thumbs up and headed back out with Elliot to finish with the last few boxes. "Wanna just stay right here and rest a little? Heard you and Fin has a mouthy son of a bitch earlier."

Groaning, he removed his glasses and pinched the bridge of his nose. "Guess you got that from Fin, right? The guy had a big mouth and a small brain or the other way around at this point." He opened his eyes and stared up at Maria's face. He slightly narrowed his eyes to inspect the scar on her neck, seeing how well in blended in when she had her head bending down to look at him. "You are beautiful, Maria."

"Let me guess, you said that to the cop you bedded with," Maria laughed when his hand moved to the back of her neck and pulled her down for a lengthy kiss. Breaking it for a brief moment, Maria moved to hover over him and grinned. "You know, we can only go this far, John. Not to mention the fact I have to make sure they don't need help out there."

"I know," he whispered, his fingers playing with the buttons of her shirt. "Best get yourself out there before I have that door kicked shut and show you real romance you haven't experienced in a while." He slowly released her shirt when her lips brushed against his and taking her chance to stand up. "Coming back?"

She smiled slyly and bounced on the heels of her feet. "Maybe," Her voice was low in her own seductive tone. "Just stay and relax your bones while I help them out. Fall asleep on me and I'll pinch where you don't want to be pinched."

* * *

Pushing several boxes against the wall that evening, Maria had shooed Stabler, Benson and Fin out of her apartment so they could be home with family or who ever they had waiting for them at home. Hearing movement coming from her new bedroom and the sound of John stretching from his light slumber on her mattress, Maria reached for one box labeled _Photographs and albums_ and opened it. Pulling a picture frame that the late Lieutenant of Baltimore had given her when she was leaving and smiled at the person in the photograph. _He sure does look like him_, she thought as John walked out of the dark room with his tie undone around his neck and his hair looking tousled. "Hey, sleeping beauty," he gave her a half wave, still looking like he was in a thick fog. "I have a photo here I think you would like to see."

"I thought you had said you were going to pinch me if I fell sleep on ya," He sat down gradually beside her. "You didn't?"

"Nah," Maria waved her hand, handing him the frame. "You needed the sleep. Anyway, can you tell who that is in this photo?"

Pushing his transitional glasses back up his nose, John inspected the photograph of a a dark haired woman holding a sleeping infant. A possible newborn? "Is this Scott?"

"Sure is. He was a week old when this was taken and he was a healthy little tyke right after he was born. He was having a hard time in utero and the doctors believed it was my stress that was making it difficult. Even when I was on paid leave, I was still stressin' about our cases. They did a Cesarean section four weeks before he was due and he blossomed after that." Maria wrapped her arm around John's back and rested her chin on his shoulder. "I gotta say; the breast feeding felt _really_ unusual."

John's dark eyebrows rose up at her comment and gave a slick smile. "I'm jealous of the child. Even if he was my flesh and blood." Tilting the photo frame a little, John squinted his eyes and stared at the the infant's features. "Yeah, he does look like me."

Wrapping her other arm around his waist and kissing his cheek, Maria nuzzled against his neck and sighed. "He was a lot like you, honey. I'm just glad I have you back and I'm not going anywhere without you."

Placing the picture frame on her coffee table, he leaned back while holding her close. Slipping his fingers under her shirt and feeling a few fading scars under his touch, he moved his other hand to tuck a few dark strands of hair behind her ear. "Are you hungry at all?"

She rested her cheek on his chest, feeling him breathing in and out. "I'm not hungry right now. I just want to rest."

"If I feed Ace for you, can I stay?"

"Please? I'd love for you to stay."

Kissing her forehead, he watched as she headed to her new bedroom and filled then filled Ace's food and water bowls, smiling as the large dog started his nightly meal.

Flipping the main lights off, he entered the bedroom, seeing Maria laying on her stomach and her hands resting under her head. Sitting on the edge of the now blanket-covered bed, he could see that her eyes were still open.

"Hey, Sweetie. Want me to shut the light off?" He's voice was barely above a whisper as he rubbed her back, gently feeling her take in a deep breath.

"Please."

He reached out and pulled her glasses off before standing and hitting the switch on the wall. Laying down on his back, he could hear her take a deep breath into her pillow. "I missed my own bed, my own pillow, my own everything. Ace missed the couch. He lives for that couch." She mumbled, turning her head to where she knew John was laying. Reaching out, she ran her hand over his chest, feeling him let out a long sigh at her contact. She could feel his arms snake around her and pull her to him so she could rest her head on his chest. "I just want to sleep for a week now."

"Oh, and my place wasn't good enough?" John quipped and laughed when she playfully slapped his arm.

"You're terrible," Maria muttered, lifting her head enough to look at him. "You are just terrible sometimes." Her smile told a different story. Running his fingers through her hair and pressing a kiss under her right eye, John laid his head back down and stared at the ceiling. Soon enough, he felt her relax completely and fall into a deep sleep. Keeping his hand on her back to keep her in that deep slumber, he did what he could to drape a part of her comforter on her to keep her warm.

A few moments later, John pulled himself from under her and went through the slow process of removing a few clothes and tucking her in. He slipped in beside her after removing a few of his clothes, placing his suit in her closet for tomorrow.


	17. Chapter 17

Chapter 17: Mistrusting

A few days later, while sitting at her temporary desk, Maria did not hear her name being called until Olivia tapped her shoulder. "Hey, there's a call for you in Cragen's office."

"Oh. Right... thanks." Giving a stiff nod to her, she stood and worked her short way to Cragen's office, wondering who was calling her.

"Maria, you have a phone call from McKern. It's about Kevin's trial," He held out his phone for her to take.

Grabbing the phone from Cragen's hand, she moved it to her ear. "Sir? What's happening?"

"Maria! Got some great news from Kevin's trial. It didn't even take them five minutes to find him guilty for all counts and the court is planning for him to go on death row."

Maria slumped down in the chair right behind her in shock. Not only was the man who had been her partner had been found guilty for all the pain he had caused, but death row? "Wow, sir...I," She paused, unable to find her words.

"I know, Maria... I know it's a shock." She heard him sigh on the other line.

"It's not only that, Gene," She used his first name as a friend and not as a detective talking to her former captain. "It's just....it's over, you know?"

"I know, but he was going to found guilty. You know that."

Maria's eyes shot over to Cragen, who took that look as a sign to leave. He stood and left his office, closing the door behind him. "That's not what I'm taking about, Gene. It's the fact I'm going to be suffering the effects of me rape for the rest of my life and his life is going to cut short with one needle."

"They don't think he deserves to live, Frank."

"And I think he deserves to live with what he did for the rest of his damn life!" Now she was getting upset. "They don't seem to understand that I will only trust my gut instinct now a days because of what he had done to me, what the damn city had done to us, and the fact the papers were calling me a coward because I had left to save my ass!"

"Easy, kiddo." His voice was stern on the other end. "I know you're upset, but that's how the court _and_ state are seeing it."

Maria released a frustrated sigh. "Whatever... I just can't deal with this right now and," She paused for a small moment before saying, "I need some air."

"Go get some air then. Listen, if you want to vent to me again, call me." McKern had lowered his voice to a calm tone.

"Alright, I'll do that." Hanging up Cragen's phone, she felt as if she was all alone. Beaten, broken cop unable to stop her suffering from her own self. Walking slowly out of Cragen's office, she did not hear John call her name nor Ace who stood in front of her. She walked past them all in a daze. A tormented daze.

Reaching the stairs to the rooftop, she marched up them and opened the door to the cool breeze. A small whine told her that Ace had followed her, like any loyal dog.

"What am I doing, Ace? I shouldn't be here. The state where I was born, my parents death, fucked up foster parents, my rape for Christ's sake. We should have fled to Canada or somewhere father from here."

"Why?" Spinning around, she saw the one person she trusted standing in the doorway. "Why are you thinking that?"

Maria turned her back to him and stared up into the darkening sky, fighting her tears. "Because I am. I'm haunted by Kevin. From what he did. I trusted him as my partner. My best friend. He threw it all away, taking everything I ever known. I don't know why I bother with people."

"Is there something you're not tell me?" He stood behind her, wrapping his long arms around to keep her warm against his body heat.

"I can't tell you."

"You don't trust me?" She could hear the hurt in his voice.

"No, I just want to keep in all behind me. In a locked box in my mind."

"You never trusted anyone growing up, did you?"

Released a raged sigh, she gave up. "Alright, Sherlock. You win."

"Just tell me. I can help you. I've helped you this far." He kissed the back of her neck. "Please."

Leaning back against him, she took in a shuddered breath, sucking up her courage. "My trust of people was destroyed when I was sixteen. My father was having an affair with one of his office ladies. I told him that I suspected it - I was right - and he said that he would end it!" She snapped, feeling John's grasp tighten as he wanted to protect her. "He never ended it. He still came home late every night, smelling of roses. My mother never smelled of that. She finally suspected him of it and confronted him of it one day."

She could feel her throat tightening as she remembered back to that day, that painful day. "He begged for her to forgive him, but she didn't believe him. She pulled a gun from behind her and said 'I can never trust you again, Dan.' " Her hands reached down and grasped John's hands, feeling the warmth and strength from them. "She forced him to his knee, to make him beg. Instead...she put it to his temple."

"Where were you?" He voice was barely above a whisper as he listened to her.

"I was watching from the banister at the stairs. I watched as she pulled the trigger and...and I never saw human brain matter until that day. I screamed at her, asking why she did that and all she could say was 'I'm sorry, baby.' " Tears fell uncontrollably from her eyes. John gently wiped them away with him fingers and nuzzled the side of her head.

"I'm sorry, baby," He held her tighter to him, wishing to take her pain. "I'm so sorry."

"It's not over yet. Right after she apologized, she put the gun to her temple and killed herself in front of me. I was an orphan in two minutes flat." She turned in his arms and faced him, her face stained in tears. "I was shoved into foster care with no counseling. My foster parents were white supremacists. They thought they could make me one of them by mental and emotional abuse. No one believed me and I was all alone. I knew I had to run away or something terrible would happen to me. My foster father always bragged to his wife about raping me on the night I turned eighteen. I grabbed whatever money I had and left the night I turned eighteen."

"And this was in this city?" John's face showed to concern and disgust, of what almost happened to her, as he watched her crumble.

"Yes. The small amount of money I had got me a bus ticket to Boston. Been there since." She pressed her forehead to his chest. "I...I lost all trust and hope I had in people who were suppose to protect me. I hide in myself to fight the pain I continue to feel. This..this world is just...just...," She could not continue on. John ran his fingers through her hair, tears forming in his eyes and prayed that the pain could just end.

"I'm so sorry, baby. I wish I could prove to you that there are people that you can trust." Maria let out a heart-wrenching sob as she crumbled in his arms. Maria Frank lost her will to survive. John Munch was her only raft.


	18. Chapter 18

**Good heavens! I must fix this before anything else. So happy we have an option to fix, for crying out loud. Adult content, Maria and Ace are my own creation.  
**

Chapter 18: Giving Hope

"Cap, may I have permission to take Maria home?" John rushed into the Cragen's office, gathering attention from the others, concern etched on their faces.

Cragen looked up to his best detective looking highly concerned, "What happened to her?"

"She just shut down on me and I wish to have permission to take her home for the rest of the night, please." He knew eyes were on him, but he really didn't care. Maria had shut down on him and he didn't like it, he didn't want to be shut out of her life like that.

"Alright, but Fin's driving you over just in case," Cragen motioned for Fin to come closer before turning his attention to John, "Stay with her and once she calms down, call us, and let us know that she's going to be okay."

"I'll be sure to do that," John said over his shoulder as he headed out the door, Fin close behind him.

-------------------

Arriving to her apartment, John slowly helped her up the stairs and sat her down on the couch. Kneeling down to look in her face, he took a gently hold of her hand and ran his thumb over her fingers. "Maria," he watched her eyes snap in his direction, "do you know where you are?"

She continued to stare at him, her expression blank as she registered where she was, "My apartment, right?"

"That's right, sweetie and do you know who this is?" He placed his hand on Ace's back, who was pawing at her master's leg and whining his concern.

"That's Ace," She reached a hand out and soothed the dog's worries before placing her hand on John's neck. She could feel his pulsing pounding,"I'm sorry, John, I'm so sorry that I shut down like that."

He placed his hand over hers on his neck, showing a small smile and the reassurance she needed. "No need to apologize, Maria, it's your stress coming out all at once. Right now, I'm going to call Cragen and let him know that you're going to be alright and get you a glass of water. I'm going to be right back, sweetie," Rushing to the kitchen, he filled a small glass with water and placed a quick call to Cragen, heading back out to her right after he closed his phone. Holding it to her lips, he watched as she swallowed a few sips, her shaking slowly subsiding.

Putting the glass on her small coffee table, John watched as she took a few deep, slow breathes before looking at him again. He could see the life was coming back to her, a spark in her eyes told him so. "Thank you for everything that you have done. I don't know what I would do if you weren't here," her voice, being as rough as it was, had a gentle tone.

John gently smiled softly at her, his hand grasping her knee firmer, "And I'm sticking with you, I'm not going to leave you at all," With his free hand, he gently took a hold of her chin, "not until the day I die, promise."

Maria's eyes locked with his at the last sentence, her breathing hitched when she watched a tear trail down his cheek, "John?" A flicker of nerves alarmed her when it was clearly seen flash in his features.

Sucking up his nerves, John leaned forward and locked his lips with her's, expressing all he felt for her. Placing her hand on the back of his neck, Maria pulled him closer to her and practically laid him on top of her. Playfully nipping her bottom lip, he felt her squirm under him in an attempt to become more comfortable, causing him to crave her even more.

Breaking the kiss and sucking in needed air, John tucked a dark strand of hair behind her ear and watched her pant for air. "You with me, sweetie?" He chuckled softly at the feeling of her arms wrapping around his waist, keeping him down.

"What'd you mean?" She grinned at him, "I'm here with you - mentally and emotionally, or do you mean something _else_...," It slowly hit her what he meant. The more it sank in, the more her grin grew bigger in full understanding. "Oh, I get it now..."

"I was waiting for it to hit you," He laughed, breaking away from her hold to slip his arms under her body and gently lifted her. "But, I won't continue unless you want me to. I'm not going to force you into it, Maria." His eyes watched her for any signs of doubt that crossed her features, mind on full alert in case she said no.

Maria, however, was strongly thinking about it; she knew she wanted him -badly- and she trusted him fully, but something kept creeping back into her mind. Which she shoved back into a box in the back of her mind, locking the door and tossing the key. Locking her arms around his neck, she lifted herself and locked her lips with his, feeling him sigh against her.

Taking a few steps to the bedroom, John carefully dropped her on the mattress and crawled over her, not breaking the lip locking battle they were fighting. Slipping his hands under her shirt, he proceeded to move to her neck, lightly nipping at the scar above the pounding pulse. Groaning at how gentle he was, Maria arched against him and felt his fingers tug at her shirt. Swiftly lifting it over and off, John sighed happily at the view in front of him - the smile that glowed and the feeling of her hands traveling up his chest made the butterflies freak out in his stomach. It wasn't because he had never been with her like this -they had done it before - it was the feeling of harming her emotionally and bringing those feelings back to her scared him.

Feeling his muscles tensing and the unsure look that flew in his eyes, Maria braced herself up on her elbows and stared into the unsure eyes. "John...I know you're feeling nervous about this, probably thinking it may scare me?" Nodding, John averted his eyes and swallowed as an answer. "Please, don't think about that, baby, I have complete trust in you." He lifted his eyes and looked at her's, seeing how much trust she had in him.

Leaning forward and giving her a soft kiss, he pulled back enough for his lips to ghost over her's, teasing her in a way. "You sure about this, sweetie?" He softly chuckled at the sound of Maria groaning in protest at breaking the kiss, but let out a small cry at the feeling of Maria lightly pressing her knee into where a growing pressure was becoming more heated. "Now...that's hitting below the belt," He whispered as he let out a shuddered breath and pulled away enough that caused his body to scream in objection.

"I knew you'd like that," Maria's eyes flashed something dangerous that translated to a craving, a hand traveling up his arm to the side of his face, "That's what you get for teasing me like that, Johnny boy."

"You really want this, don't you?"

Grabbing the front of his shirt, Maria fell back onto the bed, pulling him with, and locked her lips over his once again. Unbuttoning his shirt, Maria slowly ran her fingers down his chest and back up, placing her hands on his neck. Moving down his neck, Maria gently nipped where his neck connected with his shoulder, earning a groan from the man above her. Wanting to feel his flesh against her's, Maria pushed the shirt off his shoulders and started fiddling with his belt buckle.

Understanding where she was going, John pulled away and straddled her waist. Reaching behind her, he delicately removed her bra and dropped it to the floor before undoing her own belt and, standing, slipped her jeans and underwear off. Letting out a shuddered breath at seeing her once again before him, John couldn't wait to feel her against him as he started working on taking his slacks off. But a hand stopped him.

Looking up, John felt confused at this hand stopping him until he saw the warmth in Maria's face, "Let me," She whispered as she moved closer to the edge of the bed and helped him remove the last pieces of clothing. A small nervous blush creeped into her face when John lightly pushed her back on the bed and hovered over her scarred body, a strong hand gliding up her thigh, smoothing over a few scars the hand came across. For the next few moments, both humans were still and staring at each other, as if to absorb what was about to happen between them. If it was going to scare her or scare him in fear of scaring her.

"John?" Maria's gently voice hovered close to his ear, "I trust you and I know you're not going to hurt me," his eyes shifted to look at her, seeing the welcoming expression she had on her features and telling him it was going to be fine. Tilting his head to one side, his lips carefully claimed hers and gradually became more heated the closer they pulled each other close. Taking a hold of her hand, John placed it next to her head and linked their fingers together as he traveled down her neck and found the sensitive spot near her ear. Arching her back against him and tossing her head to one side, Maria ran her free hand down his back and pulled his hips closer to herself. As if she was testing the waters and hoping she could do this.

Groaning at the feeling of the pressure she was slowly applying, John swiftly reached into his side table and grabbed that protection that was practically yelling for him. Carefully putting it on, he placed gentle kisses on her face as he slowly moved her legs, his fingers gliding along the under part of her thighs to the back of her knees and causing her giggle from the feeling. John smiled down at her, humored by her giggles of the ticklish feeling she had on the back of her knees, he trapped her under a passionate kiss as he slowly entered her, her arms wrapping around his neck and pulling him closer.

Breaking the kiss for air, Maria took a breath to relax her muscles that surrounded him and was practically glowing from the love she held for this man above her. Combing his hair back with her fingers, she cruelly rocked her hips and caused John to groan at the sensation she caused. Dipping his head to nip at her collar bone, he slowly stroked in and out of her, feeling her gasp with each rocking motion he made.

Wrapping her arms tightly around him, Maria tried hard to focus on the electric sensations that pulsed through her, John wrapping one arm around her shoulders to hold her even closer and just feeling all of the demons she was fighting slip away. Moving her face to look at him, she pressed her lips against his and invited him to taste her as he gradually moved a little faster.

Not breaking his pace, John pulled away from the kiss and made a trail down her neck to one breast, encircling the hard nub with his mouth. Letting out a sharp cry at the sensation, her eyes snapped shut and bucked against him, craving to feel him deeper in. Trailing her hands down his back, she smiled at him as he raised his head to look at her and briefly closed his eyes when her hands slide down his backside and pulled his hips closer to her's. "Gods, you have no clue what you're doing to me," He whispered, feeling a one hand moving to his chest, "I don't think...we can last much longer."He lightly chuckled as he listened to her give a small growl before groaning as she closed her mouth over one of his own nipples.

Maria chuckled as her one hand grazed over the other, watching John pant against her neck. "I don't think _you'll_ last longer," she hovered next to his ear and moved both arms to wrap around his neck as she moved with him, feeling his breathing hitch with each thrust he gave. Digging her fingers into his shoulder blades and him holding her tighter to his chest, both hit their climaxes together, their pants mixing together. Momentarily collapsing on top of her and catching his breath, John felt his own stress from the months before waste away from his mind as he allowed his eyes to focus on her from his haze.

Softly kissing her sweaty forehead, John tucked a loose strand of dark hair behind her ear and smiled down at her as she gave a lazy smile. "I love you, Maria," He whispered softly as he gave her a lazy kiss and slowly sat up, gently pulling himself out. Crawling off of her, John offered a hand to help her sit up and kissed her knuckles, "I'll be right back, sweetie."

Watching him head to the bathroom, Maria couldn't help but smile as she reached for her glass of water he gave her a while ago. Drinking what she needed, she waited for John to come back before handing it to him to drink what he needed. Emptying the glass, he placed it on the side table and pulled the comforter over her exhausted body, joining her soon after. Wrapping his arms around her and pulling her to his chest, John nestled his nose into her neck and breathed in the smell that he had missed for so long. Feeling her breathing at a steady pace, he pulled his head back to look to see her slipping in and out of her hazy state.

Resting his head on the pillow, John kept her in a tight hold as he shut his eyes and felt gentle fingers slide up and down his spine. "John?"

"Hm?" He lifted his head a fraction to listen better to her, "What's the matter, sweetie?"

"I love you, John," She smiled against his chest, her fingers continuing to caress his back in comfort, "And always will love you."

Smiling, he moved the comforter to their shoulders and sighed in content. Feeling her nestle closer to him, her cheek resting now on his collar bone, he felt them both drifting off into deep slumber, their steady breathing going as one.


	19. Chapter 19

Epilogue- Three weeks later

"Are you serious, McKern?" Maria's serious and hushed tone was caught by the other detectives and they turned to where she was sitting. Until she was cleared for field work, Cragen had placed her on desk duty and mountains of paper work until she was free to join the others. Grimacing at their expressions, she turned in her chair away from their prying eyes and placed her hand over the mouth piece and spoke softly. "You know I don't approve of this, Gene. Doing that is just not giving me enough justice - I suffer, he has to suffer every day for the rest of his life."

"I know you don't approve of their decision, but that's what they decided on. The state doesn't want him to continue to live among the rest of the scumbags." He sighed heavily on the other line. "Look, I told them of your feelings of Kevin's fate, but they seemed to think that having him dead was going to make you feel better... knowing he wasn't breathing the same air as you, so to speak."

"I'm in a different state! He's not breathing the same fucking air as I am," She hissed into the phone and becoming more agitated. Con Cragen stuck his head out from his office and watched her carefully.

"They have made their decision, Frank. There's nothing you can do about it." McKern's tone had set the final of their discussion. "I know this upsets you, kiddo, and I wish I could do something to change it, but you'll have to get used to their decision."

"You know I don't go down without kicking or screaming, Gene. This kind of thing doesn't stop me from huffing and puffing."

"Fine. Wear yourself out and take a long nap afterward. " He chuckled lightly. "Just... just let the information I have given you to sink in, okay?"

She turned her chair back around and stood up, getting ready to hang up the phone. "Fine, but don't expect a kind hang up."

"I wouldn't expect anything different from you, Maria." He heard a loud click and smiled sadly. _She's such a pistol. I hope they know what their getting into!  
_

Cragen exhaled a heavy sigh and motioned for a frowning Maria to come close. "What happened?"

"Kevin's been sentence to death by lethal injection. I don't approve of it since I want him to suffer as much as I have to every day, but the state doesn't want him to live so they're killing him."

"Isn't that a good thing?"

"Yes... and no." She scratched the back of her head and thought of the right words. "It... I wanted him to be in prison for life with no chance of parole, but that's not going to happen."

Cragen nodded in understanding. "What to get some air?" He motioned in the direction of the staircase that lead to the roof of the building, where people would go to just get some air, talk or what ever they saw fit.

"Yeah, I think I do."

"Go and take a long as you need."

* * *

Stepping out to the roof and wrapping her coat around herself, Maria Frank couldn't stop from kicking a tall pole and crying out in frustration. John peered around the door frame and allowed her until he thought she was going to break her foot for sure. "Hey, easy now." He moved fast and wrapped his arms around her, pulling her away from the pole. She fought hard to get out of his grip, but he was too strong. "Easy, baby. Shhhhh."

"I just... I don't know anymore." She went slack in his grip and tried to turn in his hold to face him. John's arms relaxed around her and held her close to him, resting his chin on top of her head. "I just don't know what to do."

"What happened?" He kept is voice at a quiet tone, his fingers kneading the back of her neck to release the tension.

Maria pressed her face into his chest and took a deep breath before saying, "Kevin's been sentence to death and... and I didn't want that."

"What did you want?"

Frank lifted her head and look at him, tears rolling down her cheeks. "I wanted him to rot in jail up to his last breath and to remember what he had done to every one I knew." Her chin trembled more. "For what he had done to me."

"Oh, sweetie." He brushed away her tears with a tissue from his pocket and kissed her forehead. "I'm sorry... I wish I could make this better for you some how."

"You can and you have been making this bearable for me, John. I just he could suffer like I had. That's all I wanted and I couldn't get it."

"What can I do now to make it better for you?" His fingers caressed her face slowly and moving to trace her jaw.

Maria smiled slightly up at him and leaned into his hand. "You can kiss me." John's face pulled into a big smile and dipped his head, brushing his lips against her's. Brushing his tongue along her bottom lip, her mouth opened with an invitation and he gently tasted her, his arms wrapped securely around her. To protect her from all that had harmed her emotionally and mentally.

Breaking the kiss and pressing his forehead to her's, they both stood there to catch their breathes and to gaze into each other's eyes. Interlacing their fingers together, John smiled at her and whispered, "Feel any better?"

"With you? I always do, John." She kissed his nose and moved down to his jaw. "How long until our shift is done?"

Groaning at the feeling of her so close to himself, he glanced a look at his watch. "Three more hours to go." He kissed her temple and moved down to below her ear. "We can hang on until then, right?"

"If I think about balancing my check book, I'll be okay."

-End!

**11/26/09 - I have thus finished fixing this weird hurricane! It sounds so much better then it did before, that I must say. **


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